Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas Confessions; part I

We're all gathered in the choir room at church getting last minute instructions before the first of 5 Christmas Eve Services begins. Everyone is quiet in an effort to hear what's being said.

One of the musicians/vocalists walks up to me holding a piece of black gaff tape and whispers, "Will you tape my pack?"

(For those of you who don't know what that means - we were wearing in-ear monitors and they had battery packs that clip to your pants, go in your pocket, etc. Often times the pack comes loose and you need to tape it down so it won't fall off).

I feel a little uncomfortable about it... He's young, single, super good-looking - and I'm old, happily married and not used to doing something like this.

But the look on his face tells me that he doesn't think it's a big deal. So, I agree and take the tape from him. He turns his back to me.

I grab the bottom of his shirt and lift it up to find the battery pack.

He reacts with great shock - arching his back and trying to jump away from me.

I'm confused.

He turns and looks at me and whisper-shouts "Noooooo! Tape my pack!"

I'm thinking, uh, yeah. That's what I'm trying to do. I look at him, shake my head and mouth the words - "No problem - turn around."

I can tell he's suddenly a little uncomfortable with the situation (as am I), so in order to get it over with as quickly as possible, I grab the bottom of shirt and yank it up - this time a little higher (I want to be sure I find the pack this time so I don't have to keep lifting his shirt up).

Once again - he reacts with great shock - recoiling from me as though I had just touched him with a piece of hot coal. He arches his back - throws his shoulders back and thrusts his hips forward like he's trying to limbo dance. He starts prancing around - clearly desperate to get away from me.

I'm thinking - "what is this guy's deal?? I'm trying to help him and here is making a scene in front of all these people - all while we're supposed to be listening to Curtis give us instructions. I mean, geez, I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea lifting up his shirt either - but if he wants his pack taped, that's what has to be done. Good grief - he asked me to do this - it's not like I'm just trying to get his shirt off."

He spins around and looks at me. His eyes are big. Mouth wide open.

He whisper-shouts "NNNNNO! What are you doing?! Tape my pack!"

At this point I'm over it and decide that he's insane. I look at him and hiss "I'm trying! I can't find it!"

His expression changes from shock and horror to total confusion.

He reaches out and grabs the tape from me and starts patting himself on the arm with it.

He whisper-shouts "I said, tape my BACK!"

As in - take the lint off.


The color drains from my face and I start praying for death to take me.

I attempt to play it cool but I am coming up totally blank.

I simply respond with, "OOOOOOOh. You want me to tape your BACK!"


When I walked into that room, I was a sweet pastor's wife.

When I walked out, I was Potiphar's wife.

(click here if you don't know about Potiphar's wife - she's a homewrecker in the Bible).


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, that is sooo funny! I would have loved to personally witness that one!

Just think of the story that poor kid is telling his friends.... "This Cougar in the choir kept trying to take my shirt off...." LOL! Brandi

Kristi said...

And this is why Jeff left town in a hurry. :)

Don said...

hahaha....You should join me for the hearing test I keep putting off!

VikingMom said...

Rawr baby...I am cougar hear me roar! LOL

At least it was sweet Jeff you were stripping. Any other guy would've just cozied up on you and asked you for your number. :)

Lyn said...

Tape my back? I'm afraid I would have torn off a piece of tape and put it on his back!

World of Wright said...

That's it!
We need to tape a reality show in that green room!
Too much good stuff happens back there and the world shouldn't miss out on it.

woosterweester said...

Hey! I'm one of Jen T.'s friends and saw this title on her blog roll. It had me cracking up so much that I read it to my husband. He told me to tell you not to feel too least you didn't accidentally grab another worship team member's rear end as you headed on stage (thinking it was your wife's). Try to explain that one later on!:)

Brazenlilly said...

Hey look! My friends read your blog. This story made me so happy! I am somewhat of a collector of embarassing moments, and I retell others' stories often. Congratulations! Yours just made it into the "worthy of retelling" category. Go Cougars!

SingingShrink said...

I'm just glad it wasn't me on the receiving end. That sounds toooo funny! You have to admit that it was a wierd request to begin with. Don't feel too bad. Definitely feel awkward, but not bad...

Diane Davis said...

oh, i love the idea of a reality show with YOU in it. :)

Roni said...


Bits from Bonnie said...


The Unlikely Pastor's Wife said...

Hey Hiedi- Hope you don't mind....but I just gave your blog a little advertising on my blog :-) Didn't thing you would really mind.....but if you do....I'll remove the link.

Heidi said...

Five Things:

1. Woosterweester! Welcome to my Blog! Hope to see you around more in the future. :)

2. Jen Bunch, thank you for adding my story to your collection. I am humbled to be included in such a glorious gathering of stories. Truly.

3. Mr. Pate. I'm glad it wasn't you either. :)

4. Ms. Diane Davis. I can assure you - if there was a reality show in which I was a cast member - it will entitled something like "Almost as exciting as Watching Paint Dry."

5. Jen White. Thanks for adding my blog to your blogroll - I added you too! :)