Christmas Confessions; part I

We're all gathered in the choir room at church getting last minute instructions before the first of 5 Christmas Eve Services begins. Everyone is quiet in an effort to hear what's being said.

One of the musicians/vocalists walks up to me holding a piece of black gaff tape and whispers, "Will you tape my pack?"

(For those of you who don't know what that means - we were wearing in-ear monitors and they had battery packs that clip to your pants, go in your pocket, etc. Often times the pack comes loose and you need to tape it down so it won't fall off).

I feel a little uncomfortable about it... He's young, single, super good-looking - and I'm old, happily married and not used to doing something like this.

But the look on his face tells me that he doesn't think it's a big deal. So, I agree and take the tape from him. He turns his back to me.

I grab the bottom of his shirt and lift it up to find the battery pack.

He reacts with great shock - arching his back and trying to jump away from me.

I'm confused.

He turns and looks at me and whisper-shouts "Noooooo! Tape my pack!"

I'm thinking, uh, yeah. That's what I'm trying to do. I look at him, shake my head and mouth the words - "No problem - turn around."

I can tell he's suddenly a little uncomfortable with the situation (as am I), so in order to get it over with as quickly as possible, I grab the bottom of shirt and yank it up - this time a little higher (I want to be sure I find the pack this time so I don't have to keep lifting his shirt up).

Once again - he reacts with great shock - recoiling from me as though I had just touched him with a piece of hot coal. He arches his back - throws his shoulders back and thrusts his hips forward like he's trying to limbo dance. He starts prancing around - clearly desperate to get away from me.

I'm thinking - "what is this guy's deal?? I'm trying to help him and here is making a scene in front of all these people - all while we're supposed to be listening to Curtis give us instructions. I mean, geez, I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea lifting up his shirt either - but if he wants his pack taped, that's what has to be done. Good grief - he asked me to do this - it's not like I'm just trying to get his shirt off."

He spins around and looks at me. His eyes are big. Mouth wide open.

He whisper-shouts "NNNNNO! What are you doing?! Tape my pack!"

At this point I'm over it and decide that he's insane. I look at him and hiss "I'm trying! I can't find it!"

His expression changes from shock and horror to total confusion.

He reaches out and grabs the tape from me and starts patting himself on the arm with it.

He whisper-shouts "I said, tape my BACK!"

As in - take the lint off.

Crap.

The color drains from my face and I start praying for death to take me.

I attempt to play it cool but I am coming up totally blank.

I simply respond with, "OOOOOOOh. You want me to tape your BACK!"

Sigh.....

When I walked into that room, I was a sweet pastor's wife.

When I walked out, I was Potiphar's wife.

(click here if you don't know about Potiphar's wife - she's a homewrecker in the Bible).