Tuesday, June 23, 2009

She put the OH! in Oversharing...

Hope and I were in line at Target. We were grabbing her some art supplies – she was VERY excited.

The line was crazy long – and full of profoundly irritating people.

The lady in front of me was my least favorite. Yeah, she was a real peach. She had at least 3 items from every single aisle in the store, about 137 coupons, she was haggling with the checker about the fact that her Glade Plug in Air Freshener was on sale – and just when I thought I couldn't be any more irritated with her – she pulled out her checkbook.


I turned away so she wouldn't see me roll my eyes and there stood the cutest little old lady I’d ever seen in my life.

She dragged one foot a little bit and her head seemed to be permanently cocked to one side.

She looked up at me with eyes that squinted tightly and a tired smile.

“Hi Honey” she said in a tiny, shaky voice.

I instantly felt sorry for her – she looked as though she was about to collapse – she leaned heavily on her cart and let out a big sigh as she took in the overwhelming length of the line.

I noticed that she only had 1 item in her cart. She kept staring at me with that sweet little face.

I looked at her, at the line and then back at her again.

I had to do it….

I let her go ahead of me in line.

Suddenly that sweet old lady who could barely stand up was miraculously transformed into this spry little thing who deftly maneuvered her cart out of line and then back in front of mine with all the speed and prowess of a seasoned, professional HUSTLER.

Yes, that's right.

I had totally been taken.

But wait – there’s more.

Remember the peach in front of me in line? Well at this point she was still arguing with the checker about Glade Plug Ins (and still had a ton of stuff in her cart). Perfect! That meant that Lady Grifter and I would have some time to get to know each other.

She noticed me holding my ATM card and started in on the evils of technology and how big brother is always watching. Then she started talking about how our country is going to hell in a hand basket yadda, yadda, yadda. “And it’s all that Obama’s fault don’t-cha-know…” she said with great conviction.

“Oh, mmm-hmmmm….” I replied trying to sound as uninterested as possible.

To no avail…. She just kept talking.

Back to the technology topic.

“Yeeeeees, technology is just an evil force in this world – well, except for that brilliant little pace maker my doctor gave me about 2 years ago.”

Oh crap – we are now in an area that I don’t like to broach with old (over 80) folks: their medical procedures.

“Laaaaaaand sakes, my doctor told me that I would live to be a 100 with this pacemaker! Of course I told him I don’t want to live to be a 100 what with that horrible Obama running things…”

Sweet! She jumped back to politics – I thought maybe I was safe.

“But he told me that it wouldn’t hurt a bit and he was RIGHT!”

Wait – Obama told her it wouldn't hurt? Well, he is on that whole socialized medicine thing - I could only pray that that's what she was referring... Sadly Obama's plan was NOT what she was referring to.... Dang it! We were back to the Medical Procedures.

“Oh my stars – it was the easiest thing ever! And such a tiny little incision!”

Okay – at this point, I should have just fled. I should have left my cart in the aisle and run away without ever looking back. But I had Hope’s art supplies in the cart and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that buying her art supplies wasn't worth enduring Lady Grifter's stories about her old, wrinkly body.

I stood my ground.

“Yeeeeees, the incision was just the tiniest little thing you’ve ever seen – just look at it!”

And without missing a beat, she whipped out her left breast and shoved it toward me.

I stood there, frozen, helpless, horrified, without words.

She stood there, proud as could be, saggy breast tissue hanging over both sides of her hand.

Hope stood there, mouth wide open, her eyes the size of dinner plates.

It even got the attention of the peach in front of us who was just now signing her check.

“Just looooooook at it!” crowed the old dingbat.
“Isn’t it amazing?”

“Yes – I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it.” I responded weakly.

Hope finally found her voice and said “Mommy is that a nipple?!”

"Once upon time, it was honey… Once upon a time it was."

Peach finally finished her transaction, Lady Grifter shoved lefty back into her blouse, I pulled out my spare smelling salts from my purse - and we all advanced one space in the line.

I learned something that day... well, let's face it - I learned a LOT that day.

But the biggest lesson I learned was that little old ladies are not to be trusted.


Rick said...

Thank God you were too shocked to take out the camera phone.

VikingMom said...

You have the most amazing stories from the Target check out line. The only one i have is of Tamila throwing a temper tantrum on the floor by the candy display. Not as exciting as the life you lead!

Brazenlilly said...

I was thinking the same as Laurel...you and your Target check out line! I literally said out loud: "NO. SHE. DIDN'T!" about the boob. Wow.

shana said...


hbmommy said...

oh crap! I can't stop laughing! That is awesomely hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Heidi--you should write a newspaper column! You are an AMAZING writer and always--I mean always--can verbalize things so that anyone is totally amused, interested, totally drawn in by your WORDS!!! Thanks again for sharing. Loved it.
Jane VR

John B said...

I, too, am still laughing out loud. "Land Sakes" and an "Oh my stars" in the same story!?! Best blog post ever!!!

Anonymous said...

Too funny, my favorite line...

"Once upon time, it was honey… Once upon a time it was."

Ha ha! Brandi

Don said...

Heavens to murgatroid...that is a brilliant post.

Where was the FCC when we REALLY needed them?! If one is subjected to a flashing, must it be from an 80-year old? You think Hope will require therapy?

Yeh, you really oughta write a book, girl.

I assume Kurt missed the show???

World of Wright said...

Walmart looks better and better every day my friend!
Just remember, God puts you in these situations so the rest of us can have a good laugh.

Susan said...

Hay Heidi,
I love reading your blog. It keeps me laughing out loud!
Susan Gibson

Lisa's rants and raves said...

OH MY GOSH, Heidi!!!! That is hilarious!!! I'm telling you, you have to write a book! I'd buy it!