Monday, February 8, 2010

Encouragement for a Disgruntled Drama Queen

Two things before you read this post:

1. Uh, NO - I'M actually not the Drama Queen this time.
2. If your name is Nancy or Jane, I apologize in advance.

Alright, you may proceed....

So we went out for dinner and Hope has to use the restroom.

We walk in and see two girls standing by the sinks. One of them is all fancied up (hair and make-up, etc) and the other one is rather plain. Fancy girl is crying hysterically and yanking bobby-pin after bobby-pin out of her now drooping, fancy hair.

Hope steps into her little bathroom stall and I lean against the wall, my eyes glued to the scene unfolding in front of me. The girls seem completely oblivious to my presence.

Plain Jane is trying to console Fancy Nancy - but Fancy Nancy is having none of it and continues to yank bobby-pins out of her hair.

Plain Jane tries to rub Fancy Nancy's shoulders and tell her that "the judges were total idiots - they were just, like, blind ya know?"

Fancy Nancy slaps Plain Jane's hands away and screams " OMG, you're not helping!"

(For the record, she actually said the letters O.M.G.)

Plain Jane doesn't seem to mind this somewhat violent rejection and continues in her quest to soothe Fancy Nancy's wounded spirit. She says,

"You are beautiful and you have so much going for you. The judges were just uncapable to see the sheer majesty of your personification and, like, stature. They totally don't know how, like, smart you are or how, like, intelligent you are and, like, staturesque you are."

(Wait.... what?)

Fancy Nancy looks down into Plain Jane's face and says, "They didn't, did they.... OH YEAH. And neither do I because I don't even know what you are SAYING! SHUT UP - YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

(Ooooh, this is getting good - I begin hoping that Hope has to do some serious business in the bathroom so that I can stay a little longer and watch the show. Plain Jane's ability to speak without saying anything is fascinating - as is her resiliance to Fancy Nancy's abuse.)

Plain Jane does not seem to notice Fancy Nancy's contempt for her and prattles on mindlessly. She clears her throat, takes a deep breath, tilts her head back slightly, and with her eyes closed and eyebrows raised, she declares,

"You have the ability to move people. Really (she pauses and inhales deeply through her nose) ... move them, ya know? And those judges? They're just on, like, another plane of reality. The kind of plane that, like.... just doesn't....... move. They don't understand your power of effervescence (said in a whisper-shout while waving her hands in front of her as if she was drawing a circle). It doesn't move their plane so it's their mistake. It's a mistake that will, like, manifest all kinds of, like, trauma and moral fortitude. You just... didn't move their plane."

(Dude.... this girl is awesome.)

Fancy Nancy spins around so she is facing Plain Jane - her blue eyes blazing, and her mouth twisted into a vicious sneer.

(Yessss - they're gonna fight!)

She leans into Plain Jane's face and says, "Really? Is that why I lost? Because I can't move planes? But I'm so pretty! Planes shouldn't have anything to do with it! No one told me about planes! What are you even SAYING? I'm not a (expletive) pilot - I don't know anything about moving planes!"

Fancy Nancy starts shaking all over and continues shrieking incoherently about the injustice of the judges and the fact that she's pretty and shouldn't have to know how to move planes.

(Crap, she's having a seizure, maybe I should call 911...)

In an attempt to jar Fancy Nancy out of her rapidly accelerating downward spiral of emotional pain and misery, Plain Jane suddenly embraces Fancy Nancy and says, "There, there... you're just upset. You don't know what you're saying. You need to take some time to admonish your thoughts. You need to find your place in the circle of life - find your movement. Only then will any of this make sense."

(Is that the secret? I need to admonish my thoughts and find my movement?)

Fancy Nancy shakes Plain Jane off and says, "But I'm so pretty...." and storms out of the bathroom leaving me alone with Plain Jane.

Neither one of us moved.

The silence was deafening.

At this point Plain Jane finally notices that she's had an audience during her little counseling session.

She looks at me with a smirk, rolls her eyes as she walks out the door and says, "Beauty Queens are so stupid."


jasmine said...

Plane Jane is amazing. She should write a self-help book. I would buy it.

World of Wright said...

How do you always end up at the freakest places and the perfect time?
Was Fancy Nancy code for Snookie?
Just wondering?

pacey said...

I love it.

audrarazo said...

That was a commentary for the ages. I loved it! Plain Jane was really delving into the bottom of the barrel for those metaphors! I wish I could have been there. Heidi, you are crazy funny!

Anonymous said...

Write a book Heidi. Write a book. ~Gloria

Lisa P said...

Beauty Queens should NOT have to know how to fix planes. That is so, like, unfair!

Lisa Wolcheck D'Andrea said...

That absolutely made my evening! I would agree that beauty queens are stupid. Proud to be PLAIN! Heidi, we definately missed out when you moved away from us all in Portland!

Lyn said...

That's a riot! I don't know how you were able to remember every word of their repartee, but we are glad you did. And what was Hope's reaction??

StephanieJ said...

Oh man...that just made my morning. I can't wait until you publish your first book - I'll be able to say "I knew you when...". SO FUNNY!

Jeff and Aimee said...

I love Jane's final comment (to you) though I can't quite figure out if she was stupidifying (yes, I just made that word up) her conversation with Nancy to get down on Nancy's "plane" or if she was naturally that "mentally-challenged" (which makes the parting remark even funnier!). Btw, was Nancy as pretty as she and Jane both seemed to think or were they confused on that point, too.

Connie said...

...front page of THE LOCAL NEWS 2/15 -2/28 Edition Volume 19 #393... do you recognize anyone in the front page pic????? ....just wondering....