Saturday, March 7, 2009

Put on Your Big Girl Panties and Deal with it.

(Many of you know this story, but I have been asked to blog about it anyway - so here goes. Also - if you're uncomfortable with the word "panties," you should just skip this post...)

First - let me set the stage for you.

I was just over 8 months pregnant with my daughter Hope.

So just for the record, I didn't look like this pretty, little thing when I was pregnant.


I looked more like this "pretty, little" thing when I was pregnant.

And I just need to say something here.

Now I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this statement (and - it has NOTHING to do with how I feel about my children), but I hated being pregnant.

That's right, I said it. I hated it.

Nothing about me was glowing.

There was no cuteness to my waddle.

Nothing looked good on me.

And I couldn't roll over in bed w/o my husband thinking there was a freakin' earthquake.

I was just big, sweaty, smelly and gross.

One thing that amazed me about being pregnant was the number of stupid things people would say to you.

The comment I heard the most (beginning when I was a whopping NINE WEEKS along) was - "WOW, you sure you only got one in there?"

My all-time favorite occurred when I was 5 months along. It came from a gentleman who said

"Hey, that baby's gonna come any minute now, huh?"

To which I quickly retorted, "no - but it looks like yours is!"

I'm not proud of that.

Well, actually I AM proud of that, but I probably shouldn't be.

And of course, there's the time that I wore a new dress to church and one of my non-pregnant friends said to me, "Oh you got a new dress. It's too bad you couldn't find anything flattering."

That one still makes my ears smoke a little...

Oh and let's not forget the whole strangers groping your belly thing - which for me is a BIG problem what with my personal space issues and all.

But I digress.

Getting back to the point of my story...

So I was nearing the end of my pregnancy and my maternity underwear was stretched to its breaking point.

I had to face facts.

I had to deal with the harsh reality.

I needed...... bigger panties.

So I heaved myself into the car and headed to a store that shall remain nameless...

... and began looking for the queen-sized maternity section.

I searched and searched for underwear in my size and finally found a boxed set of them on the bottom shelf. I assyned it was on the bottom shelf because they were concerned that shelves might buckle under the weight of these enormous panties. That - and the fact that the other shelves weren't big enough to hold a box of this size.

I plopped them into the cart and quickly scattered my other purchases on top so that no one would notice that I was buying panties that were big enough to pass as parachutes.

I gathered my courage and headed to the check out line.

I quickly surveyed the scene, and prayed that I would spot a female checker.

At that point, I needed to use the restroom - and given the fact that I was 500 pounds, it took me a little time to get from point A to point B - so I had to hurry and get this done otherwise I wouldn't make it.

There weren't any female checkers who had less than 5 people in their lines.

The only checker that was open was a teenage boy.


Trying to act natural, I put all my items on the belt - with my enormous underpants being last.

Beavis the checker scanned every item without saying a word.

He reached for the box of large-marge panties. He lifted them up toward the ceiling with both hands as though he was trying to guess how much they weighed.

Without making eye contact he said in his squeaky, pimply-faced voice,

"Dude. Those are some big panties."

Thank you, Beavis.

I tried to think of something to say - but came up with nothing.

I left the store without even using the restroom (which proved slightly catastrophic on the way home).

I never saw him again - which was good because I probably would have strangled him with a pair of my big panties.

But I learned something that day.

Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart...

Or the thin skinned...

So if you're pregnant, or planning to become pregnant - keep that in mind.

Now go out there and...


shana said...

I do, so, hate the word panties, but I read the whole thing anyway. I also hate the words ointment, discharge and moist! They are all yucky if you ask me! But still I liked your fun story . . . I was not a cute pregnant lady either, so I can relate!!!

hbmommy said...

Seriously funny! So funny, in fact, that I...well, you can probably guess since you've had kids!

Brazenlilly said...

TOO. FUNNY! I'm still fuming at your "friend" who commented about your unflattering outfit. Is she mentally handicapped? That is unacceptable.

I didn't like being pregnant either. Well, especially the second time. I can't remember ever feeling cute. At all.

I love, LOVE that you had the guts to comment to that man what we ALL have wanted to say so many times! Oh, I would pay some serious money to have that on video.

Bits from Bonnie said...

Ok!!! That was great! But you have to ask Mandy to show you her picture when she was pregnant. She is standing against the sink looking into the fridge. Her belly has no clearance...I was afraid to be in the room if she changed cloths for fear that the pressure of the elastic against that belly could cause a snap that would get me in the eye across the room. And by the way, I have decided that the cut off point for maternity fashion is when it goes from being a bump to a buldge!!!

Rick said...

Did that underwear have a starring role in the movie "Shallow Hal?"

Kristi said...

still one of my favorite stories ever.

The Craftypigs said...

I was pregnant in the late summer in Las Vegas. It was averaging 115 degrees. The only pants that fit me were the ones my mother made for me. Yep, weren't NOTHING out there to fit me in months eight and nine. I was the most miserable human alive. I hated it with everything in me except the baby that was causing all this hate. I'm not sure where I got my underwear but they were from the XXXL section which is difficult to find. I think I found them in Berlington Coat Factory. They were a fortune. Toward the end, I thought that maybe it would be easier to just not wear anything. But then the heat would cause my inner thighs to rub together and that was worse than anything else that was going on. ..... I so feel your pain!!!!

Anonymous said...

That was sooo funny! I did read your story even though I too hate the word panties (as well as moist and sexy... and please let's not use those all in the same sentence!) Oh I also hated being pregnant, and I 500 pounds too, infact did you find the pic of the pregnant elephant on my facebook page? Ha ha, just kidding! Brandi

VikingMom said...

Yes...this is one of my most favorite Heidi stories ever. As for words...I avoid the word "panties" as much as possible and I agree with Shana--"moist" is a foul, foul, terrible word!

StephanieJ said...

I LOVE the story Heidi! How funny that the words "moist" and "panties" are high on everyone's MOST HATED list! I too was 500 pounds with my first pregnancy. I actually did love being pregnant and even enjoyed being 500 pounds...until AFTER he was born. Then I was on the phone with a good friend and announced that I had just weighed myself and I had just discovered that I'd already lost 15 pounds! She said "Wow..that's great. Most people only have 5 or 10 pounds left...too bad you have like 40 pounds left"....yep...seriously.

AMankin said...

I am crying-that's how hard I'm laughing. Seriously, what is it with people who feel the need to say something when we would ALL be better off with silence!!!!!

SingingShrink said...

Oh Heidi, you can always make me smile. Thank you for brightening my day with a little darkness from yours. :)

The Unlikely Pastor's Wife said...

Oh Heidi, I am so sorry to say I have never laughed harder at any blog post. laughter comes at your expense.....but I blame are such a good story teller.

I think my laughter too comes from hating being pregnant.....I can relate all too well....

I think you are funny :-D

lyss said...

I just read this at work, and my gosh, I laughed! ...Then some students came in and I had to quickly scroll past that last graphic with the 'panties'( hate that word to, but it makes the story so much funnier)...ha! Good story (and I'm sorry).
-alyssa k