I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XX

Ever time I walk through a toy department I walk up and down every aisle pushing the buttons on every single toy that makes noise.

Give me a P! Give me an O! Give me a TTY!

This is Jack.

He's 2 and a half.

And couldn't care less about going potty in the potty.

I need help on this one.

Does anyone have any tips on potty training?

The fact of the matter is...

Taking out the garbage is man's work.

Can I get an Amen?!

My Favorite Oscar Moment

I love watching the Oscars.

Dieting: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I've been on a diet for 6 weeks now.

I've met with enough success that I'm motivated to continue.

That's good.

I'm craving junk food so bad that I'm considering stealing all of my daughter's Valentine's candy while she sleeps.

That's bad.

Whenever I see skinny people I want to kill them.

That's ugly.

Sigh...

I hate being on a diet.

Popularity Contest

I was attending an advertising seminar.

We broke into small groups and each took a turn telling the group what we do for a living.

It was my turn.

"I work in Medical Malpractice insurance."

The group responded with total silence.

Blank stares.

I think I even heard crickets chirping.

Next girl's turn.

"I work in a club - we sell Lap Dances."

Yeah.

No crickets that time...

It was more than just a crib...

Jack graduated from a crib to a big-boy bed.

We've been talking about it for a while - and decided on Monday that we would do it.

I was so excited.

Until it came time to take the crib apart.

It was pretty old - and had been taken apart several times over the years - so there was no saving it.

It broke when Kurt took it apart.

Something about seeing it in pieces like that really got to me.

It was more than just a crib.

It was the crib that both my kids used.

The crib that the kids and I would play peek-a-boo with.

The crib that both kids stood up in and fell asleep standing up because they couldn't figure out how to lay back down.

The crib that Hope was standing in when she ate half a tube of Butt Paste.

The crib Jack was sitting in when he threw his first big temper-tantrum.

The crib that both Hope and Jack slept in on their first night home with us.

The crib I leaned over so I could rub their backs when they cried (sometimes until I fell asleep leaning over it).

The crib that I paced in front of when one of them had a high fever.

The crib I prayed over every night when I tucked them in.

The crib I would just stare into and be amazed by how much love I felt for the little baby sleeping in it.

It was more than just a crib.

And now it's in pieces waiting to be taken to the dumpster.

I saved a piece of it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I couldn't let it go.

It was more than just a crib...

In Retrospect, I Probably Should have Known Better...

(Some of you know this story but I’ve been asked to blog about it anyway).

My son Jack (he’s two and a half) loves tractors.

One thing that I have learned is that (according to Jack) there are a lot of vehicles that qualify as a “tractor.”

You’ve got your Bulldozers, your Dump Trucks, your Cherry Pickers, your Transporters, your Fork-Lifts, your Steam-Rollers, your Combines, your Excavators and of course your basic tractor-tractors.

And he loves them all.

He loves to play with tractors, he loves to talk about tractors, he loves to read books about tractors, and he loves, loves, LOVES to look at pictures of tractors on Momma’s computer.

One afternoon he climbs up on the couch next to me and says, “Momma my wanna see tractors on ur compooter.”

“Okay honey!” was my quick reply.

(I love to look at tractors on my computer with him because he gets all snuggly).

So I open my laptop and we start our familiar routine of doing a Google Image Search of “tractor.”

(For those of you unfamiliar with a Google Image Search – you can enter a word or phrase and click on "Search Images" and it will bring up pages and pages of pictures that best match the word/phrase you entered).

So we look at a few pictures of tractors and he asks to see pictures of Bulldozers.

So I enter “Bulldozer” in the search field.

Pages of Bulldozer images pop up and we begin looking at each of them.

After a few minutes of Bulldozer browsing he declares, “My wanna see a backhoe!”

“A what?” I ask.

“A backhoe momma, my wanna see a BACKHOE!”

"Is that a tractor?" I ask with concern building in my voice.

"Yes Momma - My wanna see a backhoe tractor."

Mmmm ‘kay….

I’ve not heard of this particular tractor.

And I have no idea how to spell it.

Did I mention that the images you get on your screen reflect the word you enter in the "Search" field?

Yeah...

So using the correct spelling is kind of a big deal.

I give it my best guess – and click “Search Images.”

Oh dear...


I guess I spelled it wrong.

Sigh…

I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XIX

I cannot handle getting my face wet.

It horrifies me.

I will do whatever necessary to avoid getting water on my face.

The Mouse has Momma Issues

So we bought Hope the movie "The Little Mermaid, Ariel's Beginning." In the movie, they show what happened to Ariel as a child - including her mother's unfortunate demise. As I was watching it I started thinking about other Disney movies and discovered a disturbing trend.

Have you ever noticed how many Disney movie plots have a dead mom - and/or an evil step-mother?

Seriously - there are a lot of them.

1. Bambi
2. The Fox and the Hound

3. The Rescuers
4. Dumbo (mom was locked up and deemed "crazy")
5. Snow White
6. Jungle Book
7. Oliver & Company
8. Cinderella
9. Tarzan
10. Beauty & the Beast
11. The Little Mermaid
12. Aladdin (mom is not mentioned - but is MIA)
13. Finding Nemo
14. Brother Bear
15. Lilo & Stitch
16. Chicken Little
17. Hunchback of Notre Dame

There are probably more - these are just the ones I could think of.

If find this troubling. Is Disney trying to send a message?

What's next? An animated version of Mommy Dearest?

The Sacred Guardian of Justice (who knew he wore a black, sparkly headband?)

Jack walked up to me dressed in his Superhero getup (which is comprised of the following):

1. Plush Tiger mask
2. Winnie the Pooh blanket-cape
3. Go-Diego-Go tool belt (complete with magnifying glass, ultra colorful swiss army knife and walkie-talkie)
4. Buzz Lightyear slippers (thank you DiscoMommy!)
5. A Black, sparkly headband(which he swiped from his sister)

He thrust his right fist straight up in the air and shouted with great conviction,

"Momma! My a Superhero and my want justice!"

Oh my...

I stifled a laugh and said, "Oh Jack, you're such a Goof-Ball."

Without missing a beat he thumped his chest and he came back with,

"Yessss... BUT! My the Goof-Ball of JUSTICE!"

Then he stuck his nose in the air, threw his Winnie the Pooh blanket-cape over his shoulder, turned on his heel and ran away.

Undoubtedly to seek Justice.

I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XVIII

I love the rain.

Maybe it’s because my mom loved it so much and it reminds me of our long chats about nothing and everything…

Maybe it’s because of the sound it makes on the windows…

Maybe it’s because it goes perfectly with grilled cheese and tomato soup...

Maybe it’s because it brings back so many good memories of growing up in Portland…

Sigh…

I love the rain…

My Secret Celebrity Crush is:

Drew Carey.

I can't help it.

And I can't explain it.

I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XVII

My favorite sandwich is Peanut Butter, Mayonnaise and Lettuce.

Can You See Me Now?

This is my nephew Jonathan.

He was two and a half when this picture was taken.

It's one of my favorite pictures of all time.

P.S. I still expect you people to provide me with some content ideas (see next post for more on that). Come on, I'm counting on you!

A Casting Call for New Ideas

I have a serious case of Writer's Block.

I could use some suggestions on what to write about.

So I thought I'd ask you.

What do you want to read about?

And sorry Diane, politics are off the table.

Give me a topic....

Ask me some questions....

Anything to get the creative process going again.

The More You Know...

I think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XVI

Actually, this situation probably isn't perfectly normal - but I think my response to the situation is perfectly normal.

So there.

Whenever I'm in a room full of people and it gets really quiet - my stomach decides to growl.

Like, really loud.

Seriously - it sound like a semi is driving through the center of the room. It's so embarassing.

So I fake a coughing fit to cover up the noise.

People still stare at me with these looks of sheer suprise, but at least it's because they're concerned about my health - and not because they think I'm hungry all the time.

I think it's perfectly normal.

The Search is On

Hope and I went to see the movie Hotel for Dogs yesterday. Cute little picture.

Before we leave, I switch purses (I want an old purse that I can set on the sticky theater floor and not worry about ruining it). The purse was completely empty except for my wallet, some gum and some chapstick.

We arrive at the theater and Hope wants to get a snack.

I bought a small popcorn and a bottle of Dasani water.

It cost, like, $57.

The bottle of Dasani water was bigger than your average bottle of water. At least twice the size.

We get settled in our seats and I set the unopened bottle of water on the floor between our chairs (out of the way so that no one will kick it over it they climb over us).

We begin watching the movie and 25 minutes into it, I get really thirsty.

I reach for the unopened bottle of water.

It’s not there.

I reach further back under the chairs thinking that it rolled away from me. I can’t find it. I get out of my chair, get down on my hands and knees and start crawling around groping aimlessly into the inky darkness.

But to no avail…

My $27 bottle of Dasani water is gone.

Some low life miscreant swiped my $27 bottle of water.

Fast forward to this morning.

I’m in my office at work. I am searching through my purse for something and I see it:

The lid to my missing, unopened, $27 bottle of Dasani water!

What the? What sort of game are these people playing? Will I be receiving a ransom note next? Is this supposed to pass as proof of life - like the equivalent of sending the ear of the hostage to the hostage's family? What sort of sick people am I dealing with?!

I have called in the FBI and they’ve launched an official investigation. The list of suspects includes everyone who was at the 2:00 showing of Hotel for Dogs at MetroPointe on Sunday, January 18th. If you attended that movie, expect a visit from the officers in the photo at the beginning of this post.

They have a warrant so don't try anything crazy.

If you have any information leading to the whereabouts of my $27 bottle of Dasani water, you are encouraged to leave it on my blog. I will be in your debt.

Give thanks for the healthy children in your life...

My friend Robbie just blogged about being thankful for his wife and it got me thinking about what I'm thankful for.

Of course I'm thankful for Kurt. I love him with everything I've got and I can't wait to live each day with him. He truly is an incredible human being.

And then I started thinking about my kids. St. Jude's Children's Hospital's tagline is "Give thanks for the healthy children in your life."

Many of you have probably seen advertisements for it on TV, in movie theaters while waiting for your movie to begin, on posters at bus stops, etc.

Every time I see it, it stops me dead in my tracks.

It's such a simple message.

Give thanks.

So simple.

So powerful.

Nothing brings parents to their knees faster than when their child is suffering...

Having healthy children is such a precious gift. And it's so easy to take it for granted.

I love my kids so much. And I'm so blessed that they are strong and healthy...

(Okay, so I'm sorry for being all serious.

"Serious Heidi" is usually locked away and kept under strict surveillance because she's so profoundly uninteresting. However, she does get out every once in a while and must be placated.

You'll be happy to know that I have fed her a chocolate brownie, allowed her to watch a Law & Order Criminal Intent marathon and told her to shut-up.

So she should be good for a while...)

I think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XV

I can identify my coffee mug by my lipstick mark.

Uh, yeah.... It's not a doll.

Hope has a Babushka doll that my aunt gave her. It's very special - lots of sentimental value. Hand painted - from their friends in the Urkraine... It's really nice.

Jack discovered it.

And he loves it.

So, in the interests of keeping the peace, I got them each one for Christmas. One that is cute, but doesn't have any sentimental meaning attached to it.

Last night, Jack is playing with one of them. I ask him, "do you love playing with your Babushka Doll?"

He gives me a withering glare and says, "His name is Butch, Momma. He is NOT a doll."

Crazy Jack and the One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I made my first blog entry. I'm not sure if that's a noteworthy proclamation, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

So one year ago today, I began changing the lives of millions of people through my quick wit, aMAZing sense of humor and keen photo-selection choices.

Apparently, my blog has done nothing to help with my dillusional sense of self-importance.

But anyway....

In other news....

So Jack has been pretty sick with bronchitis. The doctor put him on Prednisone which is a steroid for his lungs as well as breathing treatments with Alubuterol (a different kind of steroid).

So... He's a little crazy. This video captures a snippit of what he's been spending his days doing. Imagine this - taking place for hours on end...

I'm very happy that he's finally off the steroids!

I think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XIV

When my doctor prescribes antibiotics for me, I never use the entire prescription. I usually take about half of it (unless it's a Z-Pack in which case I'll take the whole thing).

That way, I always have an emergency stash of antibiotics so the next time I get sick I don't have to go back to the doctor (click here to gain insight regarding my aversion to visiting my doctor).