Vacation Confession #1

Okay, here goes...

(deep breath - in through the nose out through the mouth)

The four of us are hanging around the swimming pool in our backyard. There's a wrought iron and brick fence that encompasses the entire yard. The yard overlooks a golf course.

A crew of about 8 gardeners approaches our fence and starts hacking away at the slightly overgrown hedges. They're about 10 feet away from us and are staring wide-eyed into our little pool party.

I'm in my bathing suit.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the crew of "gardeners" is a stinkin' PRISON WORK CREW?!

Holy freakin' CRAP.

So now I'm a pinup girl for all the guys on Cell Block E.

I feel kind of sorry for them.... They haven't seen a woman in who knows how long and the first one they see is me?

That, my friends, is what we call Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

More confessions to come...

Pay the Toll Troll

Jack trying to spot the Grumpy Old Troll

We're in Zion National Park.  There are little bridges everywhere.  My son Jack is a big Dora the Explorer fan.  For those of you familiar with Dora folklore, you know about the "grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge."

Jack  has been looking under every bridge trying to find the grumpy old troll.  Since he hasn't found him, he's decided to become him.

So we're back at the Visitor's Center. He's standing in the middle of "his" bridge.  Two older ladies walk up and one of them sets one foot on his bridge.

Crap.

Jack - or Grumpy Old Troll as he is now known - stood there with one arm straight out and growls at them (at the top of his lungs) "You can't cross my bridge unless you solve my riddle!"

They found another way across.

Shhhh, here she comes. Act natural...

I'm sure you've all been there. You walk into a room where there are a few people (let's be honest, they're usally always women) chatting quietly. As soon as they catch a glimpse of you - they stop.

They avert your eyes and shift their weight uncomfortably.

Then come the oversized, forced, fake smiles. They immediately start talking about something else - but they're being too obvious about it; they're talking just a little too loud. You walk by them - and their whispering resumes.

You foolishly look back just in time to see one of them looking at you, whispering and shaking her head.

Ouch.

Without saying a word to you, they totally shot your entire day. All your confidence, all your positive engery - smashed to pieces... And they did it all with smiles on their faces.

At the end of the day...

They may tell me that they don't want me to sing (see prior entry)...

They may tell me that my breath smells like the bottom of a bird cage (see prior entry)...

They may tell me that the skirt I'm trying on is not wide enough for me (don't ask - seriously, it was a dark day)...


But no matter what, they always know just what to do to make me the happiest person alive.

Do you remember me now?

Behold my latest attempt to get people at Starbucks to remember my name.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Super Smelly Bedtime Stories

Hope was about 3 years old. I was laying next to her in her bed telling her a night-night story.

We were nose to nose.

She interrupts my story and says in her sweetest, most matter-of-fact voice,

"Momma, when you talk it makes my nose stink."

The end.

Things I miss about being a kid:

1. Naps

2. Looking at an empty cardboard box and seeing a house, a car, a boat and something to color

3. Playing with Bubble-Wrap

4. Being genuinely entertained by a cartoon that I have seen 467 times

5. Believing in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc.

6. Having all my problems disappear just by eating an ice cream cone

7. Mom or Dad telling me that everything was going to be fine - and it not even occurring to me that things might not really end up being fine.

8. Getting excited when clothes are too small for me

9. Playing all day

10. Making a wish and knowing that it will come true

11. Having someone push me on the swings and thinking that I'm flying

12. Being excited about the words Pool Party

13. Things being completely and totally uncomplicated

For those of you who know....

Jack usually cries when I sing. Actually, he puts his hand over my mouth and says - "No sing Momma. NO sing."

Last night he woke up crying in the middle of the night. I went into his room and he looked up at me and said, "Momma sing to Jack peese - Momma sing."

Happy Momma....

Loud & Proud

Hope has been coming to work with me this week.


Every time she uses the restroom she sings at the top of her lungs.


You can hear her all the way down the hall.


It's awesome.

Shhhh....

So Hope and I are walking around Target. She looks up at me and says "Daddy says that whenever we go shopping anywhere you always walk like 5 feet behind him and it's super irritating."

I reply, "Really."

Hope says, "uh-huh."

I ask Hope, "Hmmm, what else does Daddy say about Mommy when Mommy's not around?"

Without missing a beat, Hope replies with "He says he's smarter than you."

I calmly look at her and say, "Oh really."

"Really."

I ask her, "Hope, has Daddy ever told you that when he tells you stuff like that he doesn't want you to tell Mommy about it?"

She gets a great big grin and replies, "Nope."

I tell her, "Hope - we'll let Daddy think he's the smart one - but you and I know who's really the smart one don't we?"

She says, "Oh you're the smart one."

I tell her, "Okay - but it's our secret, don't tell Daddy, okay?"

"Okay."

Yeah.

Kurt has much to learn.

Shiny & New

This is something that I've been mulling over in my mind for a long time. I don't know if it's a good idea to share - but it's driving me crazy and I can't keep it to myself anymore.

There were several baptisms at church this weekend. Every time I see someone baptized I'm struck by a totally inappropriate emotion: jealousy. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for these people; happy that they have found Christ - that they have accepted Him and are excited about living for Him. They're embarking on this whole new chapter in life. They come out of that water and their faces are all shiny and new. They're ready to start their new life. More importantly, they're ready to walk away from the old life. They're excited about it - they can't wait to start their new life with Christ.

And in that moment I look at them and I want what they have. The newness, the hope, the faith, the excitement...

I look at myself and I don't see those things. Instead I see doubt, fear, complacency. I see someone who has let fear take the place of faith. I'm not even sure when or how it happened. I think the change took place over several years; and was so subtle I didn't even know it was happening. My love for Christ hasn't changed - I'm certain of that. But (in all seriousness), the thrill is gone. Or at the very least it's been on a very long hiatus...

I know that God is still excited about me - I know what Jesus went through for me - I know what He's given me. Why can't I see beyond myself - beyond my fear and doubt and get excited again? How did I get so selfish and short-sighted? Was my face ever shiny and new like the ones I saw today? Will it ever be that way again...

I wish I could bottle up the newness, the hope, the faith and excitement, I saw on those shiny new faces today and take some for myself...

I have never seen a single episode of SYTYCD.

I'm a shameless conformist

So I tried Pinkberry. I really didn't want to like it (it's so trendy). Sadly - I did like it. Golden Spoon is still my favorite by a mile - but Pinkberry is good too.

Seriously? 763 friends? Maybe you should run for public office or something...

So I'm enjoying the Facebook experience. It's fun, it's cool, it's a little bizarre. I found a feature called Classmate Search and found people that I went to junior high with and would have graduated high school with if I hadn't moved to California; people that I have not seen or spoken to in over 20 years. People I remember vividly. VIVIDLY. So far, only ONE person has remembered me. I was glad that at least one of them remembered me but was later disheartened when I read a comment that he wrote on someone's wall stating "I barely remember this Heidi person."

wamp, wamp.

Anyway. The thing that I don't understand is how people can have like 300, 400, 500+ friends. Good grief - that's like the size of the town I grew up in! How do you keep track of that many people? Do you REALLY have that many friends? Do you have a Master's degree in "How to Win Friends and Influence People?" What gives?

Who's child is this?

So Hope and I made plans to go do something fun for an hour or so - just the two of us. I was really excited since I haven't had a lot of one-to-one time with her lately. She said she wanted to go get yogurt. Perfect! There's like 8 new yogurt shops that have popped up recently. So I looked and said "Great - yogurt will be fun! But wow - which place do we want to go? There's so many choices: Pinkberry, Yogurt Land, YumYum, Golden Spoon... Where should we go?!"

Keep in mind - she's 6 years old.

She looked at me, cocked her head to one side, put her hand on her chin and said "Mom, I think it's important that you don't overthink this."

I'm sorry, what?

Blood

My Flair Haiku

I really love flair

I can’t get enough of it

I'm off to find more.

Two words that strike terror in the hearts of many...

Eye Drops.

Goosebumps on a hot summer day...

We went to the parade yesterday. It was a great time. Everyone was enjoying the festivities. There was a lot of laughing and chatting.

Off in the distance, I could see an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair slowly making his way down the middle of the street. He was a survivor of Pearl Harbor. As he got closer to us, everyone got quiet. All eyes were riveted on this guy; it seemed like there was no noise... The man waved to us as he got closer. Suddenly the crowd erupted into cheers and applause and everyone jumped to their feet.

The man passed us and was followed by a few more Pearl Harbor survivors. The cheering continued for what seemed like several minutes. It was a very moving experience.

I stood for a second and then sat back down (I was holding a squirming two year old). I was sweating - it was so hot. I looked around - everyone else was sweating too. But, as I looked around, I noticed that everyone also had goosebumps.

It was a powerful moment...

Raindrops on Roses....

So I know I've done this before - but I don't have anything else to blog about. Here is a current listing of some of my favorite things (in no particular order):

1. Flair
2. Baja Fish Taco - specifically a blackened fish taco with their killer salsa
3. Poster sized post-it pads

4. White Tea & Ginger scented lotion from Bath & Body Works

5. Finding people from "way back when" on Facebook

6. The band Secondhand Serenade

7. http://www.redfin.com/

8. The "fort" in the middle of my living room that has kept my kids out of my hair - ahh, I mean entertained for the last several hours

9. The video "How to Poop" on You Tube (brace yourself - it's really somethin')

10. Going to an Angels game

11. Deadliest Catch

12. Dog the Bounty Hunter

13. Diet Mug Root Beer

14. My new hands free device for my cell phone that makes me feel like I'm on StarTrek The Next Generation

15. Star Trek The Next Generation (truthfully, this is always one of my favorite things)

16. Steamed milk with sugar free Vanilla syrup from Starbucks - with extra, extra foam

17. The big tubs of Eclipse gum (the green kind)

18. Getting good news from someone that closes the door on something that's been causing worry for several months

19. Melatonin

20. The song "Finally" by Fergie

21. The smell of old library books

22. Listening to my daughter play the piano

23. Listening to my son pray (his entire prayer consists of "Momma - uh - Daddy and AMEN!)

Violation of Blog Etiquette

I've been told that blog etiquette dictates that entries should be no more than a couple of paragraphs or people won't read them.

So - I want to say two things.

First, I hereby apologize for my last three Quasimoto entries as they have exceed the "couple of paragraphs" maximum.

Second, I extend my thanks to those who did read them. Experiences like the ones I wrote about are best when shared with people who will laugh at you.

I'm sure that Quasimoto's twin sister will return. And when she does, the long blog posts will return with her.

Confidence booster for Quasimoto - part 2

So I'm still sitting in the lab waiting room. I've just shut down the mean old lady (see previous entry for details on the mean old lady) - my mood has not improved and my appearance has gotten worse (not that it matters because people can't really see me through the green fog that surrounds me anyway).

And there he is. Just sitting there, staring at me. I stare back at him with my one good eye. I can hear the theme song from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly playing in my head.

He says to me, "Hey, how ya doin'?"

Crap. Just kill me now.

Hoping to end this "conversation," I grunt some inaudible response in his general direction. Sadly, it did not work.

He continues his staring contest with me and says, "Wow, it's really crowded in here huh?" Keen observation, Sherlock...

Again, hoping to end this "conversation," I grunt some inaudible response in his general direction. And again, it failed miserably.

He slides over a chair so he's a little closer to me.

Crap.

He says, "What are you here for?"

I'm sorry, what? Did he really just ask me that? I want to tell him that I'm there because I have this uncontrollable urge to kill people that irritate me - and the doctors are trying to see if there's anything that can be done to treat it. But I don't. I look over at the mean old lady who is as engrossed in this conversation as I am. She continues to stare at me with an expression of pity and disgust. I look back at the guy without saying anything.

I start twitching ever so slightly, hoping that it will freak him out and he'll quit talking to me. My attempt at creeping him out failed.

And then he says it - I'm not even lying - he totally said this. "So..... You come here often?"

Dude. Are you kidding me?

I start looking around the room for the Candid Camera crew because this just cannot be happening. I've gone my entire life without someone picking up on me - and it happens now in a lab where people are having tests done for heaven only knows what?!

I look at him through the green fog. He's just staring at me with this stupid look on his face, waiting for me to respond.

I say, "I'm sorry, I forgot the question."

He says, "Do you come here often?"

I say, "No.... but I'll bet that you do... don't you..."

He says, "Yeah! How did you know that?"

Mercifully, my name was called and I left Cassanova sitting alone, wondering in awe about my psychic abilities.

Confidence booster for Quasimoto - part 1

So I make my way from the doctor's office to the lab. I'm still walking like I'm drunk (see previous entry for more info) my left foot dragging behind me like a overstuffed sack of laundry. With every step my mouth breathing becomes more labored and the green fog more potent. The string of drool protruding from the left corner of my mouth has found lasting companionship with the string of drool now protruding from the right corner of my mouth in addition to the white string of gooey spit connecting my top lip to my bottom one. I'm almost to the lab. The hallway looks distorted - like the reflection in a carnival mirror. The door to the lab seems to be very far away - and the floor seems to be curving downward. Mouth breathing becomes more laborious. I finally arrive.

I open the door and am greeted by about 25 pairs of eyes that all register the same reaction: "Holy cow that is one nasty-sick-looking woman." There are no empty chairs. People are standing along the walls and sitting on the floor. The television is blaring one of those stupid waiting room infomercials about the importance of using Applesauce in your brownies recipe instead of cooking oil.

As I'm signing in someone is called to the back - vacating a chair. I plop down in it without a second thought to the people who arrived before I did and were standing against the wall or sitting on the floor. All 25 pairs of eyes shot me some stink-eye, but my cloud of green fog protected me like a suit of armor and no one said anything to me. The people sitting to my right and left scooted as far away from me as they could witout becoming lap-sitters on the people sitting next to them.

There was an older lady sitting across the waiting room from me. She was staring at me. I stared back at her with my one good eye (the other one had sunken all the way back in my head and now had a white film over it).

She says to me "I know you." I'm thinking, "No you don't, lady." She asks me if we worked together before. I should have just said "Yeah - we used to work together but I quit that job because I didn't like you." But I just said "no." She lowered her chin to her chest and kept staring at me over the top of her glasses. She asked me if go to First Christian. I said, "yeah." She says, "Oh you sing there don't you!" uh-huh... She says, "I didn't recognize you." I'm thinking "Thank the Lord you didn't recognize me; I'd like to think I don't normally look like Quasimoto." I continue to stare at her with my one good eye and wipe the drool from the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand. I say nothing. She continues with the stare-down. After about 60 seconds of just staring at me she sniffs and says "I see you got your sick face on."

Nice.

Of course, at this point, there are a multitude of things that I could say to her: Yeah I look like this because I'm sick, what's your excuse; At least my face will get better once I feel better which is more than I can say for yours - you get the idea. But I don't. I grunt at her and turn my head as if to end the conversation. Then I see him. Another confidence booster in the works.

More to come...

Open casting call for the role of Quasimoto - genuine likeness is preferred

Last week at this time...

So I'm sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office.

I'm sick.

Nasty business. I mean - naaaasty. Eyes are all sunken in, face is all gray, hair is stringy, my shirt has sweat splotches on it from the fever. I'm walking like I'm drunk - my balance is all out of whack so I'm partially bent over to keep from falling. I'm breathing with my mouth open, making a gutteral sound (much like a coffee pot just as it finishes brewing) ; when I blink my eyes, they make a scrathching sound like sandpaper rubbing against more sandpaper; every time I exhale I'm engulfed in a green fog and the wallpaper begins peeling off the walls. I'm pretty sure that there's a line of drool protruding from the left corner of my mouth.

But I'm okay with it because I'm at the doctor. Everyone there is sick too, right? That means that they look like crap too. That's the rule.

Yeah.

So I'm slouched over in my chair in the waiting room. I hear the door open several times but I don't look up because I don't want to make eye contact with anyone. Then my name is called. I get out of the chair with a groan and stand up (half way). At that point I survey the room to take comfort in the fact that everyone else in the waiting room must look just as sick as I do.

Oh dear.

My doctor deals primarily in Sports Medicine - perhaps you see where my story is going. Yeah. No one in that waiting room was sick No sunken in eyes, no gray faces, no mouth breathers, no sweat splotches, no one walking like they just failed a field sobriety test, no stringy hair, no green fog (except that which was coming from me), no drool strings or gutteral sounds. They were all athletes who were there for sports injuries.

Sigh....

After the doctor saw me, he sent me to the lab to have some tests done. Little did I know what "confidence booster" awaited me there.

More to come...

A long week...

In 4 days: three trips to the doctor, two trips to the lab for tests, two trips to the pharmacy.

Sick mommy, sick two year old.

Gross.