Sunday, August 10, 2008

Shiny & New


This is something that I've been mulling over in my mind for a long time. I don't know if it's a good idea to share - but it's driving me crazy and I can't keep it to myself anymore.

There were several baptisms at church this weekend. Every time I see someone baptized I'm struck by a totally inappropriate emotion: jealousy. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for these people; happy that they have found Christ - that they have accepted Him and are excited about living for Him. They're embarking on this whole new chapter in life. They come out of that water and their faces are all shiny and new. They're ready to start their new life. More importantly, they're ready to walk away from the old life. They're excited about it - they can't wait to start their new life with Christ.

And in that moment I look at them and I want what they have. The newness, the hope, the faith, the excitement...

I look at myself and I don't see those things. Instead I see doubt, fear, complacency. I see someone who has let fear take the place of faith. I'm not even sure when or how it happened. I think the change took place over several years; and was so subtle I didn't even know it was happening. My love for Christ hasn't changed - I'm certain of that. But (in all seriousness), the thrill is gone. Or at the very least it's been on a very long hiatus...

I know that God is still excited about me - I know what Jesus went through for me - I know what He's given me. Why can't I see beyond myself - beyond my fear and doubt and get excited again? How did I get so selfish and short-sighted? Was my face ever shiny and new like the ones I saw today? Will it ever be that way again...

I wish I could bottle up the newness, the hope, the faith and excitement, I saw on those shiny new faces today and take some for myself...

4 comments:

Jon in HB said...

I am so there with you Heidi! Too bad you can't renew your vows once a year, or carry around a bottle of Holy Water and give yourself a spritz in the face when you're getting low.

I think i get rejuvenated off their 'high', and I know that it's still real and there is hope. I love watching others get baptized. I weep with joy every time.

Nice blog entry. It's nice to know that some fears aren't just my own.

Diane Davis said...

great blog entry. i've been missing your deeper thoughts of life. whenever you share, it's always good stuff.

Mom of 5 who enjoys your blog said...

That is what Repentance is for:)

Repentence is our daily (if needed) renewal of our baptismal promises.

We CAN be shiny, and new everyday.

It is a great topic to study.

Have a wonderful day!

SingingShrink said...

I get that feeling a lot when we're singing on stage and I can't even imagine what's going through the person's mind as they are jacked up enough about God to walk forward in front of 900 people and say it to everybody. I think sometimes the excitement of worshiping God from the stage has become my God-fix instead of the actual feelings for God. When I think about that is when I get that jealous feeling that I think you were talking about.