Sunday, April 26, 2009

Anxiety, Letting Go and Kawasaki's Disease

(If you don't know why I'm mentioning Kawasaki's Disease, read the prior entry to get up to speed on what's been going on with Jack).

Jack woke up this morning and the rash had subsided - there were only a few spots on him and you had to really look to find them.

His fever had dropped to around 99.5.

The swelling in his hands and feet seems to be slowly going away.

I should be happy. I should be thrilled.

But I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that I'm going to take him to the doctor tomorrow - that they're going to look at him and declare him healthy because he no longer shows any of the symptoms of Kawasaki's Disease.

And I'm terrified that they're going to be wrong.

Throughout this experience, I feel like I've stayed pretty even. Like I haven't freaked out or obsessed about anything.

So why am I freaking out now? When things seem to be getting better?

Don't get me wrong.

I don't WANT him to be sick.

I don't WANT him to be hospitalized.

I want the ugliness of the last few days to be over and done.

I want everything to be the way it was before this all started.

But what if they miss something and then he has damage to his heart? (that's the big thing with Kawasaki's Disease - if it goes untreated it will damage his heart. It's the leading cause of heart disease among children).

Maybe I'm just tired... I know that I don't have much perspective right now.

I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to make things so difficult?

I get so irritated with people who just can't be happy - you know - people who are only happy when they're miserable.

When did I become one of those people?

I need to let it go. I need to trust. I need to believe that the doctors know what they're doing. As Kurt told me, "I need to be okay with getting good news tomorrow."

But I don't know how to do any of those things.

I know that I'm not a trained scientist.

I know that I'm not a doctor who specializes in infectious disease or pediatric cardiology.

I'm just his mom.

And I'm terrified...


shana said...

Hang in there. You'll make it. I'll pray for you right now . . . really, I will!


Anonymous said...

Many, many people are praying for him. And his Grampa & Gramma are praying really hard! We love you all so much. Lucille

Anonymous said...

You wouldn't be a "normal" Mommie if you didn't feel exactly the way you are feeling right now. Its called "loving their precious children" the way God loves us! You and Jack are in my prayers.
Jane Van Ryn

Brazenlilly said...

Do you have a good relationship with the doc? Could you share a little bit of your fear? Could you ask her (him?) how you can be CERTAIN that he is 100% healed? Could you ask for a follow-up appointment in a few days/week to double check? Just some brainstorming ideas on tangible ways to calm the mommy monster that rages inside all of us! I'll pray for you, Heidi!

Michelle said...

Heidi and Kurt-
So sorry for all you are going through and am certainly praying for all of you. Please keep us posted as you can, so I know how to pray.

God Bless

Lisa P said...

Stinkin' human nature that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But your have valid concerns, and you don't want to look back and wish you had asked one more question. I like Brazenlilly's advice. And I like your "I need to learn to trust more." And that's what I'll pray--for each of us.

StephanieJ said...

We're still praying. Let us know what you hear today.

Much love, Stephanie

VikingMom said...

I agree with Jen (Brazenlilly)--mothers were designed to do what exactly what you're doing...worry. Just because a child is being quiet in the other room doesn't mean he's being good! In other words...just because his symptoms are gone, it doesn't mean that it's all over either. The Dr's we have will probably want to see him again--if they don't, insist. Remember, you're mama bear protecting your cub and they're used to mama bears!

I'm glad he's feeling alot better. I hope it does stay that way. But, for your peace of mind (and Jack's health!) I hope they continue to monitor the situation.

Diane Davis said...

oh heidi. i have been away from blog land and am just catching up. i'm so sorry to hear all that you and your family are going through. poor jack. he sounds like he is a real trooper in the midst of this all. i'm thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way. keep us all updated. you and your family are so loved.