Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Random Motherhood Confession #2

So what is my confession? My confession is that I have no idea what I'm doing.

And I'm afraid that I'm failing miserably.

Jack is sick again. This is the 4th time in 5 weeks.

I work full time.

I feel like like a complete failure when my child gets sick and I find out about it from his daycare provider. I should have known he was sick because he should have been with me.

I hate that I heard about it from someone else.

The reality is that I have to work.

And I'm thankful for the ability to work and for the fact that I have a job.

But right now I feel like a failure in all aspects - as a Mother and as a professional.

I'm not at work because I'm home with Jack - so I'm failing to meet expectations at work.

I wasn't there when Jack got sick (it happened at daycare while I was on my way to work) - so I'm failing to take care of him when he needs it most.

I'm at a loss.

I have no idea how to balance being a mom and working. You'd think I would because I've been doing it for almost 8 years.

And I still have no idea what I'm doing.

And I'm afraid I'm failing miserably.


VikingMom said...

First of all...you're a good mom! Don't beat yourself up over this. My kids get sick all the time when I'm not around (just ask Austin about Travis's propensity to puke when I leave him in his care.) Second of all...you're an incredibly hard working woman. You do amazing work at a job that most of us couldn't do.

I'm giving you a gigantic virtual hug (even though it invades your cyber personal space) because I think you need it. Take care my friend...

Rick said...

Now I know why my first comment didn't go through--because Laurel said it so much better. Hug from me also. Please know that you can call us if Jack or Hope is sick and you just have to go to work.

shana said...

Hang in there! You are not a failure. You can do it!
I'll be praying for you!

Kristi said...

Oh friend.

I can't tell you how much I relate with what you are feeling. I wanted to write my own blog about this yesterday...but the truth is, I'm too exhausted.

But you should know you are in good company.

Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day for me emotionally. A day where I called Curtis crying and told him that this was not the life I wanted. I am not meant to be a mom. I am absolutely HORRIBLE at it. And by the time he came home (midnight)...I was sitting on the couch and when he walked in the back door I just started balling. So mad at myself for being so frustrated. Mad at myself for losing my patience. Mad at myself for motherhood not coming easy. Mad that my sweet friend whose husband has served in the military and has to leave her for months on end had to come to my rescue today...when the truth is, I should be the one helping her.

We all have different obstacles we have to overcome. It's hard for me to tell you not to give yourself such a hard time when I am doing the same to myself. Hello Pot. I am Kettle. So...I will just say that I know you are a good mom. Your kids love you and you love them.

At the end of the day I think we have to do the best we can with what we have been given. We can not compare ourselves to other moms (that's when all my insecurities eat away at me...cause I'm not like other moms and then I tell myself i must not love my kids as much as these other mom's do...and that vicious circle is enough to kill me...)

We are wired differently than other moms. And working provides an outlet for us that we need. God knew that when he made us. He knew that when he knitted our babies together in our wombs.

So together, we must both breathe in grace. Let it cover us so we can go on and be the best mommies we can be. We are not failures. We are just in a difficult season. But the clouds will move away and the sun will shine again....

Lift your head up my beautiful friend. And I will do the same. I love you dearly.

Thank you for letting me comment. It was therapeutic for me. :) Hugs. KT

The Unlikely Pastor's Wife said...

Random Motherhood Confession #3- I don't know what I am doing either.
There are days I wake up and think. "really? REALlY God? you gave me 3 kids.....are YOU INSANE?"

Truth is...not very many of us know what we are doing....we just try to look like we do. And as Kristi so beautifully wrote above...we are just trying to do the best we can with what we have been given.

Because what God has given us is enough. I know it doesn't seem like it is....but all you have to do is look at those sweet little faces you have...faces that know you love them...

johnsonandjohnson said...

Hey Heidi---

I have this battle at least once a week and I am not exaggerating. I find myself so jealous of people that don't work or work from home or whatever---knowing that they get so much more time with their kids than what I get.

My dad consistently reminds me that it isn't the quantity---it's the quality.

I don't get to see you much with Hope and Jack now, but I remember watching you with Hope especially in her first few years of life and you gave her all the quality she needed.

So, you weren't there to notice that he was sick, but at least you can be assured that he wanted to be comforted by you...You nurture them in ways that only you can.

Hang in there---I hope tomorrow is a good day for you!

Brazenlilly said...

Ditto to all the encouraging words other people have said, but it never hurts to hear it from one more person! I told my hubby the other day although I actually look forward to days when I work a paying job, I think full-time working moms have it way harder than stay at home. You are my hero!

Also? Last week I literally locked myself in the laundry room, with both children awake and in the next room, because I had to sit down and cry--or cause physical harm to one of them. I was ready to sign myself and my child up for counseling (not a joke), because SURELY I have screwed things up beyond repair. You are not alone--we all wondering how on earth we're going to mold these kids into something resembling a decent adult. But we will! Especially with a little encouragement along the way.

Anonymous said...

You are far from a failure....I don't know how you do a well as you do (and that is great). Your problem may be that you expect too much of yourself. Lucille

Cynde said...

I understand your frustration. I was also a working mother for MANY years. I also got my degree at night when Caleb was very young. I missed the first time my son walked, stood up, etc. I just wanted to let you know that my son (who is 16 next Sunday) has told me that he never felt abandoned and that he always felt like I was there for him when he needed me. I think now that there was actually a reason that things turned out the way that they did. He turned out to be an especially hard child to raise (we're not done yet but somehow the teenage years are so far the easiest) and I would have probably went crazy if I had to stay home with him like I do with my other children.