Vacation Confession #1

Okay, here goes...

(deep breath - in through the nose out through the mouth)

The four of us are hanging around the swimming pool in our backyard. There's a wrought iron and brick fence that encompasses the entire yard. The yard overlooks a golf course.

A crew of about 8 gardeners approaches our fence and starts hacking away at the slightly overgrown hedges. They're about 10 feet away from us and are staring wide-eyed into our little pool party.

I'm in my bathing suit.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the crew of "gardeners" is a stinkin' PRISON WORK CREW?!

Holy freakin' CRAP.

So now I'm a pinup girl for all the guys on Cell Block E.

I feel kind of sorry for them.... They haven't seen a woman in who knows how long and the first one they see is me?

That, my friends, is what we call Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

More confessions to come...

Pay the Toll Troll

Jack trying to spot the Grumpy Old Troll

We're in Zion National Park.  There are little bridges everywhere.  My son Jack is a big Dora the Explorer fan.  For those of you familiar with Dora folklore, you know about the "grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge."

Jack  has been looking under every bridge trying to find the grumpy old troll.  Since he hasn't found him, he's decided to become him.

So we're back at the Visitor's Center. He's standing in the middle of "his" bridge.  Two older ladies walk up and one of them sets one foot on his bridge.

Crap.

Jack - or Grumpy Old Troll as he is now known - stood there with one arm straight out and growls at them (at the top of his lungs) "You can't cross my bridge unless you solve my riddle!"

They found another way across.

Shhhh, here she comes. Act natural...

I'm sure you've all been there. You walk into a room where there are a few people (let's be honest, they're usally always women) chatting quietly. As soon as they catch a glimpse of you - they stop.

They avert your eyes and shift their weight uncomfortably.

Then come the oversized, forced, fake smiles. They immediately start talking about something else - but they're being too obvious about it; they're talking just a little too loud. You walk by them - and their whispering resumes.

You foolishly look back just in time to see one of them looking at you, whispering and shaking her head.

Ouch.

Without saying a word to you, they totally shot your entire day. All your confidence, all your positive engery - smashed to pieces... And they did it all with smiles on their faces.

At the end of the day...

They may tell me that they don't want me to sing (see prior entry)...

They may tell me that my breath smells like the bottom of a bird cage (see prior entry)...

They may tell me that the skirt I'm trying on is not wide enough for me (don't ask - seriously, it was a dark day)...


But no matter what, they always know just what to do to make me the happiest person alive.

Do you remember me now?

Behold my latest attempt to get people at Starbucks to remember my name.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Super Smelly Bedtime Stories

Hope was about 3 years old. I was laying next to her in her bed telling her a night-night story.

We were nose to nose.

She interrupts my story and says in her sweetest, most matter-of-fact voice,

"Momma, when you talk it makes my nose stink."

The end.

Things I miss about being a kid:

1. Naps

2. Looking at an empty cardboard box and seeing a house, a car, a boat and something to color

3. Playing with Bubble-Wrap

4. Being genuinely entertained by a cartoon that I have seen 467 times

5. Believing in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc.

6. Having all my problems disappear just by eating an ice cream cone

7. Mom or Dad telling me that everything was going to be fine - and it not even occurring to me that things might not really end up being fine.

8. Getting excited when clothes are too small for me

9. Playing all day

10. Making a wish and knowing that it will come true

11. Having someone push me on the swings and thinking that I'm flying

12. Being excited about the words Pool Party

13. Things being completely and totally uncomplicated

For those of you who know....

Jack usually cries when I sing. Actually, he puts his hand over my mouth and says - "No sing Momma. NO sing."

Last night he woke up crying in the middle of the night. I went into his room and he looked up at me and said, "Momma sing to Jack peese - Momma sing."

Happy Momma....

Loud & Proud

Hope has been coming to work with me this week.


Every time she uses the restroom she sings at the top of her lungs.


You can hear her all the way down the hall.


It's awesome.

Shhhh....

So Hope and I are walking around Target. She looks up at me and says "Daddy says that whenever we go shopping anywhere you always walk like 5 feet behind him and it's super irritating."

I reply, "Really."

Hope says, "uh-huh."

I ask Hope, "Hmmm, what else does Daddy say about Mommy when Mommy's not around?"

Without missing a beat, Hope replies with "He says he's smarter than you."

I calmly look at her and say, "Oh really."

"Really."

I ask her, "Hope, has Daddy ever told you that when he tells you stuff like that he doesn't want you to tell Mommy about it?"

She gets a great big grin and replies, "Nope."

I tell her, "Hope - we'll let Daddy think he's the smart one - but you and I know who's really the smart one don't we?"

She says, "Oh you're the smart one."

I tell her, "Okay - but it's our secret, don't tell Daddy, okay?"

"Okay."

Yeah.

Kurt has much to learn.

Shiny & New

This is something that I've been mulling over in my mind for a long time. I don't know if it's a good idea to share - but it's driving me crazy and I can't keep it to myself anymore.

There were several baptisms at church this weekend. Every time I see someone baptized I'm struck by a totally inappropriate emotion: jealousy. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for these people; happy that they have found Christ - that they have accepted Him and are excited about living for Him. They're embarking on this whole new chapter in life. They come out of that water and their faces are all shiny and new. They're ready to start their new life. More importantly, they're ready to walk away from the old life. They're excited about it - they can't wait to start their new life with Christ.

And in that moment I look at them and I want what they have. The newness, the hope, the faith, the excitement...

I look at myself and I don't see those things. Instead I see doubt, fear, complacency. I see someone who has let fear take the place of faith. I'm not even sure when or how it happened. I think the change took place over several years; and was so subtle I didn't even know it was happening. My love for Christ hasn't changed - I'm certain of that. But (in all seriousness), the thrill is gone. Or at the very least it's been on a very long hiatus...

I know that God is still excited about me - I know what Jesus went through for me - I know what He's given me. Why can't I see beyond myself - beyond my fear and doubt and get excited again? How did I get so selfish and short-sighted? Was my face ever shiny and new like the ones I saw today? Will it ever be that way again...

I wish I could bottle up the newness, the hope, the faith and excitement, I saw on those shiny new faces today and take some for myself...

I have never seen a single episode of SYTYCD.

I'm a shameless conformist

So I tried Pinkberry. I really didn't want to like it (it's so trendy). Sadly - I did like it. Golden Spoon is still my favorite by a mile - but Pinkberry is good too.