A Mother's Prayer. . .

Dear Lord,

Thank you for putting long stems on the Hi-Ho Cherry-Oh cherries.

The stems make it easy to quickly pull the cherry out of a screaming 4 year old's ear.

So, thanks.

Good lookin' out on Your part.

Amen.

Some New Favorite Things

I thought I would hurry up and post a new blog entry so that the ugly one will not be the first one you see when you visit my blog. Ugliness is a part of life - but the more I dwell on it, the longer the wounds shays fresh, and the longer I'm hurt by it. So! We're movin' on to something happier.

Here is a list of some of my new Favorite Things:

1. Words with Friends - it's an iPhone app. It's free. It's Scrabble. It will take over your life. Get it and play me - my user name is heidigirlhb.


2. How to Train Your Dragon - fantastic movie. We took our 4 year old - he was a little scared a few times but overall really dug it.

3. My Keurig coffee maker - this has been lifechanging!!! Coffee just how you want it in 5 seconds. No more waiting for a new pot to brew. I have officially left the Dark Ages.

4. Chuck - Oh man. This is my new television addicition. This show... I can't even tell you how much I LOVE it. Monday nights at 8:00 on NBC. So entertaining. So easy to follow. Soooo good.

5. Castle - Oh Man times two! My other new television addiction. Seriously! Snappy dialog - cool plotlines (The premise is that a murder/mystery/macabre author gets to tag along with a detective on murder investigations to get plots for his upcoming books). Monday nights at 1o:00 on ABC. Check it out - you will NOT be disappointed.

6. Pink's Grammy performance of Glitter in the Air - DISCLAIMER: Not for kids. Let me just say this: if I could have anyone's voice - I would want hers. And apparently, she's an acrobat too. And not just ANY acrobat. She's a singing/swimming acrobat. BUT! This performance is very Circu du Solei-ish and I don't think it's appropriate for kids. I'm just puttin' that out there. But, it's on Youtube - you should check it out. It's AMAZING.

7. Educational vidoes on Youtube. Yeah, yeah, this sounds like zzzzzzz..... material. But! I'm in the process of building a website (something I have NO clue how to do) and you would not believe the educational material that's available for free on Youtube - especially when making a CMS site using Wordpress. Good stuff.

8. Those eyeshadow kits that come with 4 colors and instructions on how to put the eyeshadow on your eyes (because I have no idea what color goes where). I got a good one from L"Oreal that even has little pictures to go along with the instructions - yessss!

9. Burt's Beeswax lip balm. This stuff is awesome - and it's pepperminty. Love it.

10. Trios - building blocks from Fisher Price. These have provide my son with hours of entertainment. He makes monsters, cars, building, you name it. He loves them - which means, I love them. They're fun for adults to play too.

Things Aren't Always What They Seem . . .

It really stinks when you find out that a friend you've known for years and years isn't who they appear to be.

When you find out that they're talking about you behind your back - and then lying to your face to cover it up.

Sometimes people just stink.

Conditions

It's bed time and I'm saying goodnight to the kids.

ME: Hopey, have a good night sleep - I love you soo much!

HOPE: I love you too Momma! Even more today than yesterday.

(sigh of contentment)

(walk into Jack's room)

ME: Jack-Jack, have a good night sleep buddy - I love you soo much!

JACK: Night.

ME: I love you buddy!

(Jack gives me a big smile but no verbal response)

ME: Jack! Don't you want to tell Momma you love her too?

(pause as he stares intently into my face...)

JACK: Do you have any jellybeans?

ME: No honey, I don't have any jellybeans.

JACK: Night mom.

Sigh...

Don't Be Offended...

Okay - dislcaimer time.

If you're easily offended - don't read the rest of this post.

Another thing to keep in mind - I'm currently experiencing a shortage of blog fodder. So, this is the best I could do...

Okay.

You may proceed. (but remember what I said about being easily offended).

So this is the brand of toilet seat covers that we use at work.

Everytime I look at the name I giggle just a little bit.

Take the words apart a little bit and see if you don't have a little giggle too.

Still don't see what I'm referring to?

Rest ur A.....

(giggle)

Hey - lighten up.

The Bathroom. . . is NOT a Telephone Booth.

I'm sorry - but it's just not okay to call me from a toilet.

I love talking to people on the phone (well, maybe not ALL people...)

But not when they're on the toilet.

Seriously.

Can I GET an Amen?!

How is it Possible that I Did Not Know About This?

Seriously?

How long have these been out?

Have you tried them?

Are they as good as I think they're going to be?

I'm at a loss for words in the face of such beauty...

Maybe She's Born with it. . . Maybe it's. . . No, She was Definitely Born with it.

After one too many awkward moments at the Clinique counter (click here for details), I decided to give drug-store foundation a try. (And, awkard moments aside, I'm kind of tired of spending that much money for a tiny little bottle of make-up - no matter how many miracles it has worked on my face).

As I was browsing the aisle full of foundations, I was struck by the unrealistic names they gave each of the different shades.

Classic Ivory, Creamy Natural, Soft Honey, Warm Beige....

Really?

As I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't help but think that finding a foundation to match the shade of my skin was going to be next to impossible.

I searched high and low but couldn't find anything that would do. There was nothing even close. No shades called Pale & Pastey, Splotchy or Ruddy. They didn't even have anything like Sickly-Vampire, Grayish, or Motley.

Sigh...

Well, necessity is the mother of invention, right?

So I bought the Classic Ivory, some blusher, a light gray eye shadow and some iodine (I thought the iodine would really make it pop). I figured that if I mix them all together, I could probably get a good match to my skin.

Watch out Smart, Beautiful, CoverGirl. You've got some competition.

HeidiGirl Cosmetics - Unnatural is the new Natural.

The Inspiration of Elephants

I don't normally share these kinds of stories - as they are a bit too sentimental for me - but someone shared it with me and I just felt that it needed to be told. It is truly inspiring.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Evidently, it wasn't the same elephant.

___________________

Disney's Weight Loss Strategy

This is a booth at the Innoventions building at Disneyland.

It's one of those things that is both horrific - and riveting. (click on the photo to appreciate it's true horror).

I have made this photo into a poster and mounted it on the outside of my refrigerator - which of course means I'm eating a lot less.

Well, I'm eating a lot less - at home.

I guess even Walt can't think of everything...

Encouragement for a Disgruntled Drama Queen

Two things before you read this post:

1. Uh, NO - I'M actually not the Drama Queen this time.

2. If your name is Nancy or Jane, I apologize in advance.

Alright, you may proceed....

So we went out for dinner and Hope has to use the restroom.

We walk in and see two girls standing by the sinks. One of them is all fancied up (hair and make-up, etc) and the other one is rather plain. Fancy girl is crying hysterically and yanking bobby-pin after bobby-pin out of her now drooping, fancy hair.

Hope steps into her little bathroom stall and I lean against the wall, my eyes glued to the scene unfolding in front of me. The girls seem completely oblivious to my presence.

Plain Jane is trying to console Fancy Nancy - but Fancy Nancy is having none of it and continues to yank bobby-pins out of her hair.

Plain Jane tries to rub Fancy Nancy's shoulders and tell her that "the judges were total idiots - they were just, like, blind ya know?"

Fancy Nancy slaps Plain Jane's hands away and screams " OMG, you're not helping!"

(For the record, she actually said the letters O.M.G.)

Plain Jane doesn't seem to mind this somewhat violent rejection and continues in her quest to soothe Fancy Nancy's wounded spirit. She says,

"You are beautiful and you have so much going for you. The judges were just uncapable to see the sheer majesty of your personification and, like, stature. They totally don't know how, like, smart you are or how, like, intelligent you are and, like, staturesque you are."

(Wait.... what?)

Fancy Nancy looks down into Plain Jane's face and says, "They didn't, did they.... OH YEAH. And neither do I because I don't even know what you are SAYING! SHUT UP - YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

(Ooooh, this is getting good - I begin hoping that Hope has to do some serious business in the bathroom so that I can stay a little longer and watch the show. Plain Jane's ability to speak without saying anything is fascinating - as is her resiliance to Fancy Nancy's abuse.)

Plain Jane does not seem to notice Fancy Nancy's contempt for her and prattles on mindlessly. She clears her throat, takes a deep breath, tilts her head back slightly, and with her eyes closed and eyebrows raised, she declares,

"You have the ability to move people. Really (she pauses and inhales deeply through her nose) ... move them, ya know? And those judges? They're just on, like, another plane of reality. The kind of plane that, like.... just doesn't....... move. They don't understand your power of effervescence (said in a whisper-shout while waving her hands in front of her as if she was drawing a circle). It doesn't move their plane so it's their mistake. It's a mistake that will, like, manifest all kinds of, like, trauma and moral fortitude. You just... didn't move their plane."

(Dude.... this girl is awesome.)

Fancy Nancy spins around so she is facing Plain Jane - her blue eyes blazing, and her mouth twisted into a vicious sneer.

(Yessss - they're gonna fight!)

She leans into Plain Jane's face and says, "Really? Is that why I lost? Because I can't move planes? But I'm so pretty! Planes shouldn't have anything to do with it! No one told me about planes! What are you even SAYING? I'm not a (expletive) pilot - I don't know anything about moving planes!"

Fancy Nancy starts shaking all over and continues shrieking incoherently about the injustice of the judges and the fact that she's pretty and shouldn't have to know how to move planes.

(Crap, she's having a seizure, maybe I should call 911...)

In an attempt to jar Fancy Nancy out of her rapidly accelerating downward spiral of emotional pain and misery, Plain Jane suddenly embraces Fancy Nancy and says, "There, there... you're just upset. You don't know what you're saying. You need to take some time to admonish your thoughts. You need to find your place in the circle of life - find your movement. Only then will any of this make sense."

(Is that the secret? I need to admonish my thoughts and find my movement?)

Fancy Nancy shakes Plain Jane off and says, "But I'm so pretty...." and storms out of the bathroom leaving me alone with Plain Jane.

Neither one of us moved.

The silence was deafening.

At this point Plain Jane finally notices that she's had an audience during her little counseling session.

She looks at me with a smirk, rolls her eyes as she walks out the door and says, "Beauty Queens are so stupid."

My Name is Heidi Goble and I.... am a Nerd.

Okay, I admit it.

I... am a total nerd.

And I'm totally okay with it. In fact - I embrace it.

Here are a few facts that support my claim:

I own every season of Star Trek: The Next Generation on DVD. I know them all by heart (I even know the title of each episode)

I LOVE anything science fiction or fantasy (Lord of the Rings, Vampires, Star Trek - it's all awesome).

My favorite birthday gift of all time (aside from sentimental family gifts, of course) is a complete set of blueprints to the The Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D (Baker Family - I will forever love you for that).

I love to talk about inconsistencies in movies such as X-Men, Wolverine, The Matrix, etc.

My iPhone has both a Tricord app as well as a phaser app and I play with these apps on a regular basis.

I incorporate jargon from Star Trek The Next Generation into my everyday conversations. For example, I will use sci-fi speak to describe every day things. (an example might be - instead of saying "there's a crack in my windshield," I will say - "hull integrity is down to 72%" - or I will refer to a flashlight as a palm beacon - or... instead of "going poo" I will say "jettison the core").

Hmmm....

Perhaps I've said too much....

So go ahead.

Roll your eyes at me.

Shout out NerdAlert when I walk in the room.

I can take it.

But be careful...

Resistance is Futile.

My Heart, My Hope...

Her voice soothes my soul

Her smile warms my heart

Her laugh brightens the darkest of days

When she sits with me and tells me everything about her day, I want to stop time so I can soak it all in

When she sits with me and doesn’t say a word, my anxieties are quieted and all seems right with the world

When she runs to me and gives me a hug, she reminds me of what’s really important

When she runs to me with tears in her eyes, she fills me with purpose

Her kindness has taught me so much

Her gentleness overwhelms me

Her ability to simply love without question moves me to tears and serves as an example of how I should love others

She’s 8 years old
She’s my daughter
She’s my teacher
She’s my world
She’s my Hope…

MAXImum Misunderstanding

So I'm standing at Costco next to my overflowing cart of freshly purchased groceries. Kurt had to run to the restroom, so I'm leaning against the wall next to the ATM waiting for him.

A nice looking guy walks up to the ATM to make a transaction.

I feel him looking in my direction (he's on the left of me, and we're only about 2 feet away from each other so my personal space alerm was beginning to buzz).

I look up and see him looking at me - smiling.

Hmmmm.... he's smiling.

At me?

I look to my right, there is no one there. I look back at him.

He's still smiling at me.

I smile back and then look away.

I can't help it...

I start sportin' a satisfied grin.

Yep.

I've still got it!

Satisfied sigh....

A few seconds pass - I can feel him still staring at me.

Hmmm....

The moment of flattery has passed - now it's a little awwwwwkward.

I look him in the face - our eyes lock - and he's still smiling.

But his smile has gone from a "Hey-you're-sorta-cute-in-a-mid-thirties-frumpy-wife-and-mom-kind-of-way" smile to a "Smirky-you're-an-idiot-if-you-think-I-was-smiling-at-you-cuz-you're-cute" kind of smile.

I'm confused.

He completes his transaction and continues to smirk at me as he walks past me and my overflowing grocery cart.

And then I see it.

You know how they don't put anything in bags at Costco? They just pile it in sideless, topless boxes?

Well, in my cart, on the top of Mount GroshMore, sticking straight up for all of the world to see, basking in all of it's teal green glory....

A jumbo sized box of Maxi pads.

Oh yeah.

I've definitely still got it.

Sigh...

Sometimes You Just Need to Watch I Love Lucy...

I love this show.

You should love it too.

The Howertons Need Our Help...

I typically blog about lighthearted things - silly things - things that dont' really matter.

But given what's going on in the Haiti right now, I want to use my blog to spread the word about an opportunity where we can help make a difference.

There's an Orange County family trying to finalize the adoption of their son, Keanan in Haiti. Kristin (the mom) was in Haiti visiting him when the earthquake hit. They all survived and Kristen was evacuated but was forced to leave Keanan there. The Howertons are desperately trying to get him home and they need our help.

(Kristin with her son Keanan and her daughter Karis - taken about an hour before the quake hit)

In a crisis of this magnigtude, we often feel paralyzed by helplesness. The destruction is so overwhelming - the loss is so great.

But here's an opportunity where WE CAN HELP!!!

Please take a few moments to read the Howerton's blog - it provides details on what we can do to help them bring their precious boy home. It's easy - it takes very little time - and it will make a difference.
Also, pass the word along to your friends so that they can help too. The blogging community is huge, and word spreads fast. Let's use it to affect change and get this family together! If you have a blog or if you are on Facebook, post the link to their blog so that you can pass the word to even more people.
Here's the link to their blog: http://thehowertons.blogspot.com/

Don't pass on this opportunity to help this family...

I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XXVIII

I have never had a massage and think the idea of getting one is utterly horrifying.

You can Stop Auditioning Now. No One is Hiring Village Idiots Anymore.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

______________________________

I struggle so much with this statement - but it's totally true.

And seriously - isn't it just better to not know? I mean, what if the person thinks you're an idiot?
Why would you want to know that? Isn't life hard enough WITHOUT knowing that someone thinks you're an idiot?

And see the real problem is that knowing someone thinks you're an idiot is never enough.
Noooo.
We have to know WHY they think it. We have to know what we did that was so aggregious to make this person think we're an idiot.
And of course we're not going to ask them becuase it might make us feel even worse! So WE come up with the reason they think we're an idiot (without actually involving them in the conversation).

And THEN, as if that wasn't enough, we try to alter our personality/behavior to please this person who thinks we're an idiot (even though we're not really sure WHY they think we're an idiot) so that they won't think we're an idiot anymore.

And of course the real problem with THAT logic is, what if THEY'RE the idiot?
What if we're totally fine - and we change ourselves so that the idiot will like us when in reality THEY'RE the one who is totally jacked up?

We start acting just like the idiot so that the idiot won't think we're an idiot anymore, and then all our normal, non-idiot friends will dump us like radioative waste.

And WHY? Because we're being an idiot!

Sigh...

Seriously....

So do we really need to know what someone else thinks of us?

(whispered pathetically, with head lowered) YES.... Yes, unfortunately, I feel compelled to know - especially when I think the person doesn't like me.

But I'm working on it.

I realize that I'm probably the only person in the world who gets all worked up worrying about what people may or may not think of them.... do you think I'm crazy? You do, don't you?

Great! YOU think I'm crazy!

See how these things get started?

Sigh.....

Christmas Confession; Part V

I have never seen
It's a Wonderful Life.

2009 in Review - as told by my Facebook Status Updates...

Okay, here it is people...

This is the closest thing you'll get to an annual Christmas Letter from the Goble Family.

These are the highlights of 2009 - as they appeared in my Facebook Status Updates.

Perhaps reading this will give you a glimpse into the crazy world that is my life.

January

Heidi is troubled. Jack (age 2) just told her he's going Mountain Climbing in Hope's room after he builds a big campfire under her bed. Should I be worried?

Heidi is not crazy.

Heidi just heard her son speak the 8 most dreaded words in the english language: "Mom! I dropped my poop in the tub!" Gotta go clean it up. Crap. (No pun intended).

Heidi rocked her sweet little Jack-Jack to sleep tonight. A rare treat, now that he's 2 years old; one that I will hold onto forever.

February

Heidi is torn. Happy cuz Jack sings in perfect pitch. Sad b'cuz he sang the song "I Wanna be like Other Girls!" (from Mulan 2) at full voice in the middle of Target.

Heidi has a sweet little girl. She's reading stories 2 her baby brother while he sits patiently on the Big Boy Potty waiting for the potty to "hurry up and get here."

The Tooth Fairy was up cleaning the house till 1 AM and forgot to leave Hope money for her tooth. I'm out of the running for Mom of the Year. Again. Sigh...

March

Heidi can't believe she was overlooked for Celebrity Apprentice.

Heidi helped a stray dog find his mama & the dog put his tongue in her mouth. Awesome. Then she walked in the door & was greeted by a big pile of cat barf. Fantastic.

Roses are red violets are blue. I’m really sad cuz Jack “dropped his pooh."Tulips are pink; daisies are navy. Oh Heaven help me–the pooh looks like gravy.

Heidi found the remote. Jack wanted to "give it a bath" Was able to pull it from the jaws of Mr. Bubbles just in the nick of time. Alert downgraded from red to orange

Heidi started filling the tub for Hope's bath. The phone rang. I started chatting. And I kept chatting. And I forgot that the water was still running. I remembered it 20 minutes later. This is the cleanest my bathroom floor has EVER been. Sigh...

April

Heidi was unable to find Jack's missing shoe. We are now in talks with the directors of the movie The Man with One Red Shoe - Jack will be starring in the sequel - The Boy with One Green Shoe. His stage name will be ShoeLess Jack Goble.

Heidi doesn't like anyone or anything before 6:00 am.

Hope and I just spent 10 minutes browsing the Staples catalog and talking about how much we both love office supplies. Sigh... My cup runneth over.

Um, yeah... My 7 year old daughter gave me this weird look. I asked her what she was staring at and she said, "Give me two minutes and I can fix your hair so that it will stop looking wrong."

May

Don't shush me.

Heidi has a renegade chin hair. Stupid aging process.

Hope has discovered Full House. I covet your prayers.

Heidi drinks Pop. Not Soda.

When life hands you lemons.... throw them at people you don't like.

June

Heidi is in love with her husband.

My 3 year old little man Jack has somehow managed to stop both toilets. I have to drive around the corner to Taco Bell to use the restroom. Perfect.

Heidi is sitting in a living room strewn with toys - seriously, toys EVERYwhere... and her kids are playing with an empty laundry basket. There's a lesson here.... I'm sure of it.

July

There's something profoundly beautiful about lunch from Del Taco.

Heidi is experiencing the anonymity that only Starbucks can bring...

Jack has been standing in front of the bathroom mirror combing his hair for 20 minutes. He's 3.... Apparently his hair is kind of a big deal.

My 7 year old daughter just called me by my first name. This development troubles me.

You know you're out of shape when you start running and realize that you need a sports bra for you butt. Sigh...

August

Heidi is now officially a fan of the x-games. I heart Travis Pastrana...

Jack rubbed his nose on my shoulder and left behind a gigantic "treasure." I look at him and begin to voice my irritation. "Jack - you left a booger on my shoulder!" He looks at me and says, "but Mom - it's the booger of justice!" I'm wearing it proudly, people. I'm wearing it proudly.

Heidi changed the sheets on Hope's bed yesterday. When she got in bed last night, she laid down - and then sat straight up and demanded, "WHY do my sheets smell weird?" (Bigh sigh....) Because they're clean, Hope... because they're clean. Apparently I need to do laundry more often.

Heidi was attacked by an insanely freakish and ultra aggressive spider. It was a bitter fight - the spider was maimed, then killed. I emerged from the battle unscathed (except for the fact that I almost peed my pants because I'm terrified of spiders). Victory is mine.

Jack brought home a "pet" beetle. Its name is Niles. Oh, the freakin' humanity....

Heidi loved waking up in a house that was nice and cool, and filled with the aroma of coffee brewing. So peaceful.... until Jack started chasing Hope through the house with his Bob the Builder Power Sander (complete with obnoxious noises) screaming "Hope stand still, I wanna fix you!"

Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? Sigh...

Team Hope&Jack running successful offensive plays against Team Mom. Team Mom about ready to forfeit when Team Hope&Jack go for a Jack-to-smack-Hope-then-scream-for-mom double play. Out of control Team Mom storms the field as Referee Dad calls a Technical Foul on Team Hope&Jack. Team Mom puts Team Hope&Jack to be early. Final Score: Team Mom: 1. Team Hope&Jack:ZERO. Winner takes all baby, winner takes all...

I stood there - overcome with emotion. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating and I was fighting back tears of pure joy. It was an incredible moment. And there it was. Standing before me like a beacon of light - full of hope and promise for the future. I knew in my heart that the search was over. I had found the answer... I was in..... The School Supplies Section of Target.

I hit the back of my head and it's a little tender. Hope saw me rubbing my head and wincing. She asked me if the eyes on the back of my head were bothering me. I told her they both had pink eye and they hurt so that's why I was rubbing my head. Is that bad?

I’ve always been able to stand my ground. Until now. I have become weak. I have become a conformist. I have become.... A Twilight reader.

September

Heidi just danced in the rain.

I didn't know that pedicures involved power tools. the sweet liitle lady asked if I wanted "kalla remoova" to which I said yes. And then this sweet little lady looked my feet, shuddered and reached for her portable power sander. The sweet little lady is now red faced, scowling, sweating and speaking Cantonese to her friends in a somewhat aggressive tone. They are laughing. She is not. Im not either. Sigh...

Okay - let me start with: Don't judge me. This morning I stubbed my toe big time. It hurt so bad. As I was yelping like a wounded puppy, hopping around on my good foot, holding my shattered toe in one hand and covering my mouth with the other hand, Jack (who was watching the whole thing with big ol' eyes) asks, "Momma aren't you gonna say a bad word now?" Remember: Don't judge me.

Public apology to the woman whose car I tried to steal today. Our cars looked the same; but yours was a lot cleaner, hence the appeal of your car over mine. It's not like I was going to take it w/o saying anything. I’d have left a note with directions to my car so that you'd have a new car too. I thought that running at me while screaming "stop trying to steal my car" was a bit harsh but hey. No hard feelings, right?

We're at Target - Jack's in the back of the cart. He saw a woman blocking the aisle and yelled "Move it or lose it, Bozo!" Horrified, I scolded him & asked him where he learned to talk like that (BIG mistake on my part). Imagine my chagrin when he replied, "You said it in the car on the way here." The bozo-lady cut me me a dirty look and walked away muttering about "parents these days." Sigh...

October

Heidi got to spend some much needed time with her family today. ADDED BONUSES:Scary Carnies, Cheese Fries and hearing her son pray for the "mean little girl" who pushed him down at the carnival; his words were, "Momma, I don't know how to pray for her. I just want her to be nice. But I'm not sure Jesus can do that cuz she was really mean. What if she pushes Jesus down too?"

B4 we leave for the restaurant I ask "Hope, do you need to go to the bathroom?" No. We get to the restaurant, waiting for a table "Hope do you have to go the bathroom?" No. Right after we order, "Hope do you have to go to the bathroom?" No. Food arrives. It's nice and hot. The fork full of yummy, cheesey, potato-ey goodnees barely touches my starving lips.... "Mom. I have to go the bathroom." Sigh...

I'm in the middle of scolding Jack. "Jack, that was not very nice - you don't throw a fit to get what you want! You have to liste..." he interrupts my tyrade with "Momma, you're so pretty. I love you." That was the end of the conversation. And I took him out for ice cream. Is that bad?

We all have our own brand of crazy.

November

I'm reading Jack a bedtime story. We're all curled up in his rocking chair. It was so sweet... While I'm reading, he keeps sniffing the air. At the end of the story I lean into his face, kiss him on the nose and tell him that I love him. He sniffs the air, looks deep into my eyes and says, "Momma, when you talk, I smell feet." Goodnight Jack.

The rule is simple: When I'M singing and playing air-drums while driving my car, I look cool and unbelievably talented. When anyone ELSE sings and plays air-drums while driving their car, they look stupid.

Heidi woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and could do nothing more than thank the Lord for the miracle that is make-up.

Heidi caught Jack picking his nose and stuffing the boogers in his ear. My feelings are mixed. On one hand, I'm grossed out. On the other hand I'm hopeful that the reason he never does what I tell him is because he can't hear through the wall of snot in his ears.

December

Jack told me that he's going to marry me. And Evie. And Lexi. And Tamila. Apparently, he's big on having options.

People waiting for the fireworks at Disneyland have no regard for my personal space protocols. I had to initiate personal space plan delta-delta-tango: I asked Kurt if he'd gotten any ointment for his rash (really loud) and stood back and watched the people step away from us. Hopefully I won't have to execute beta-beta-Charlie. We may end up on the news....

I'm not obsessive. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

The magic is gone... Hope is running around in circles making strange gurgling, gutteral noises, Jack is screaming that he wants more sugar cookies, Kurt is standing in the middle of the kitchen with a blank stare on his face, the cat is hissing at the tree and I'm hitting the egg nog early. Yep. It must be Christmas Eve.

Today was a day spent with my FCC family - singing, laughing and celebrating Christmas. It was an incredibly uplifting time. I am blessed - I am thankful. Merry Christmas everyone!

~Can't wait to see what 2010 brings!~

Christmas Confession: Part IV

This one may cost me some of my friends....

I am surrounded by stunning, beautiful, gorgeous, non-fat friends, family and co-workers.

Seriously.

I feel chronically full-fat and unattractive around all these beautiful people.

Obviously the solution is quite simple: diet and exercise.

But, seeing as how I pride myself on my creativity and innovative thinking, I decided to take a new approach at dealing with my feelings regarding my appearance.

Instead of focusing on myself, I've begun focusing on everyone else (after all, it's not good to be so self-absorbed).

So how is focusing on everyone else going to improve my appearance?

It's simple.

Here's the gift I gave all my beautiful, gorgeous non-fat friends and co-workers.

I plan to continue with this type of gift-giving for the next several years.



P.S. If you're a friend of mine and you DIDN'T receive this gift from me, it's not because I think you're full-fat - it's because I ate yours.

Christmas Confession: Part III

I'd just woken up. It was early, cold and dark.

I staggered to the bathroom and stared blankly into the mirror.

Despite my crusty, sleep filled eyes, I saw it immediately.

Sticking straight up from the top of my head - all thick, curly and wiry.

My first gray hair.

Oh.The.Freakin'. Horror.

Sadly I didn't have time to have a proper meltdown - I had to get to church. (Although I will admit that I didn't feel like being social and praisin' Jesus at that particular time. Hey, I'm just being honest. I think God can handle it).

So I yank the offensive hair out of my head, say a few choice words and throw the dreadful thing in the trash.

Flash forward to Sunday night.

The kids were in bed.

Kurt was asleep on the couch.

I was finally alone.

The time for my meltdown had come.

There was only one drug that could soothe the depth of my despair:

Chocolate.

I needed it and I needed it right then and there.

Preferably in large quantities.

I scoured the house and couldn't find any.

I looked high and low. There was simply none to be found.

My mind was reeling - my desperation increasing with every passing second.

And then I saw it - sitting there on the piano, beckoning me. As soon as I laid eyes on it, I could hear the angels singing. It even had a special glow around it emanating from the Heavens as if the Lord was saying, "This is for you, my precious child."

It was...

The kids' Advent Calendar.

An Advent Calendar that was fully stocked with chocolates specifically selected to celebrate the birth of our Lord - which means they HAD to be stinkin' tasty. To taste bad would be a sin!

Yes - these chocolates had a Divine Purpose.

But tonight, they were going to serve a different divine purpose.

Evil Heidi and Heaven Bound Heidi immediately started duking it out.

Evil Heidi hissed in my ear "Heck yesssss those chocolatessssss are for you! You can give your kids Ssssssssmarties or something. These chocolates shouldn't be wasssssssted on children who can't possssssssssibly appreciate their beauty like you can."

Heaven Bound Heidi told me (in a voice that sounded like Mickey Mouse) "Think of the children!!! You can't eat Baby Jesus Chocolate that was created to teach children about God! He will smote you from above, for sure!"

But alas.... desperate times call for desperate measures.

The Evil of my first gray hair had to be rectified. And what better way to right the wrong than to treat it with the most holy of foods: Baby Jesus Chocolate!

I decided to take my chances - hoping that God would choose to spare me.

I ate every single piece of that Baby Jesus Chocolate.

And can I just say, that nothing soothes the soul of a troubled, gray haired old woman like Baby Jesus Chocolate stolen from a child's Advent Calendar.

Heck Yesssss.

Oh sure, there was guilt.

But there was also peace (after all, it was Baby Jesus Chocolate).

I've never felt so bad - and so holy at the same time.

Christmas Confession; Part II

This actually happened last Christmas, but I'm just now at a place where I can admit it.

I'm big on taking pictures of the kids and then sharing them with the world. I like to capture as much happy stuff on film as I can - and then refer back to it when Hope is screaming that Jack is looking at her funny and Jack is trying to pee his name on the bathroom floor.

You know.... a sanity saver. Proof that pleasant times have occurred.

So last Christmas, I'm home alone with the kids for the evening. I wanted to do something fun, something holidayish.

I wanted to make some memories.

Good memories.

The kind you take pictures of so that you can prove to the world (and to yourself) that you have a happy, fun-loving, holiday-filled family life.

So I decided to make Christmas cocoa (complete with whipped cream, peppermint syrup and sprinkles) and then brought out a little wooden Christmas Tree that we could decorate with these fancy, handmade little wooden ornaments (a family tradition passed down from my Grandma).

I get everything set: cocoa, tree, holiday music, camera.

Everything is ready.

We commence with the holiday festivities. They're sipping their cocoa, the holiday music is on, I have my camera poised and ready to begin documenting the loving, fun-filled holiday family time between my precious son and daughter.

It's going so well. The cocoa's not too hot, the music's not too loud, it's raining outside, the little wooden tree was easy to put together, the kids are getting along - it was a scene that would have compelled Norman Rockwell to paint a picture of our family.

As I always do when I'm in these situations, I begin mentally drafting my acceptance speech for my now-certain Mother of the Year Award.

And then it starts...

"Mom, Jack keeps trying to take my ornaments."

"No I don't - they're mine, Mom - Hope won't share!"

Not to be discouraged by this minor bickering (after all, I don't have any documented evidence that this magical night took place yet), I reply gently with, "That's enough guys... Let's have fun with this, okay?"

The decorating resumes and in an effort to keep them from talking to each other (or to me) I turn the Christmas music up just a few notches.

The bickering starts up again.

"Maaawm! Jack's breathing on me! Make him stop!"

"Hope, Jack will die if he stops breathing. It would probably be easier if you scoot over a little bit."

I grip my camera a little tighter - beads of sweat begin form on my upper lip. I HAVE to get these pictures. The world must know that my family is perfect, thay the love to be around each other and that the holidays at the Goble house are nothing short of magical.

Cue louder music.

I turn my back to set my camera to the non red-eye setting.

And then it happened. I'm not really sure who or what started it.

Hope is shouting, "Nooooooooooooo!" as her hot cocoa spills across the table.

Jack reaches for his ornaments in an effort to save them from the river of cocoa making it's way across the table at alarming speed.

He misses.

Instead of saving the ornaments, he drowns them in a new river of hot cocoa from his own cup while simultaneously knocking the tree and the box of the remaining ornaments all over the floor.

Hope starts yelling at Jack that he's making a mess, bends down to pick up the ornaments and smacks her head on the table.

She starts howling.

The Christmas music that was only moments ago providing us with our own lovely holiday soundtrack is now ironically blaring out that horrible song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

Jack is crying and shouting over and over again that he didn't do anything.

I stand there, my feet frozen to the floor, powerless to stop the chaos, unable to accept the fact that my dream of documenting a perfect holiday memory is now an impossibility.

All is lost...

All I could think was, "I don't have my pictures yet. These rotten little mongrels robbed me of my freakin' Christmas joy photos."

Where's the stinkin' joy???

I snap.

I grab both kids by the ear and yank them away from the table. I slam my hand on the counter and scream at the top of my lungs:

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! CAN WE NOT HAVE JUST ONE! FREAKIN! GOOD! HOLIDAY! MOMENT!?"

The kids stare at me, their eyes the size of dinner plates.

They are gripped with fear.

They are completely silent.

The only noise in the room is that ridiculously stupid Christmas music, the dripping of sticky, pepperming cocoa creating a huge pool on my kitchen floor and my labored breathing.

But the kids are completely.... SILENT.

As in, they're no longer arguing, howling, screaming or crying.

See where I'm goin' with this?

I sieze what I know to be my only opporunity to salvage my dream, grab my camera and shout at them to say cheese and start snapping pictures.

I got my loving, happy faced family fun time picture!!

Of course, it's because the kids were paralyzed with fear, but you'd never know that from looking at the picture (as long as you're willing to overlook the sheer terror behind their eyes).

Now you know why I never post any videos of my family.

Sigh.... maybe this year will be better....

Addendum: I added the picture. There were several, but they're all pretty much the same (if you look closely, you'll see the terror behind there eyes - or at least a look that says, "Watch out for mom - she's got a camera and that crazed look again...).

P.S. I sincerely hope I am not alone in this sort of behavior... I'd like to think that there are other moms out there who are just as obsessive and neurotic as I am.

The Dark Underbelly of Black Friday

I find this photo disturbing.

If you don't see what I'm referring to, look inside the cart - under the gigantic, heavy boxes. (click on the photo to enlarge it).

Only at WalMart...

Mirror

Insecurity knows no boundaries. I struggle with it when it comes to my appearance, abilities, intellect, etc.

It can be pretty bad sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days.

I felt ugly, stupid, ugly, useless, ugly, worthless, ugly. Did I mention ugly?

In the midst of my self-loathing pity-party I walked into our living room and I heard my beautiful, 8 year old daughter singing a song called Mirror (by the band Barlow Girl) in her sweet little voice.

She didn't see or hear me walk in the room. I just stood and listened to her as she sang out every single word.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've

always told me

who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of

He who made me
And to Him I have beauty

beyond compare
I know He defines me
You don't define me, you don't define me...

I was struck by the contrast between her words and my feelings.

When the song ended I slipped into my room, shut the door and the tears came.

I said a prayer that Hope would always believe the words of this song.

That she'll know that the beauty of who she is will never be limited to physical appearances.

That she will never let her reflection dictate her value.

That she will believe that she is fearfully and wonderfully made - that her Maker is perfect and doesn't make mistakes.

That she'll never doubt that she is loved unconditionally - regardless of how she looks, how talented she is or how smart she is.

And then I prayed that God would help me believe the words of this song as well...