Ivory Soap. Who Knew, Right?!

So I saw this done on a blog that I love, love LOVE called Housing a Forest, and thought it looked like fun.  We highly recommend it.  All you need is a bar of Ivory Soap and a microwave. 

Watch our video. 

It's cool.

Here's a still shot of the soap cloud.  (be careful when you first take it out because it's a little hot).

You can use the soap cloud to make "soap paint" for the kids' baths.  Here's the link to the recipe for the soap paint.  I tried it and Jack loved it!

Good.Clean.Fun. (and it only cost 97 cents!)

Don't Be Offended...

Okay - dislcaimer time.

If you're easily offended - don't read the rest of this post.

Another thing to keep in mind - I'm currently experiencing a shortage of blog fodder. So, this is the best I could do...

Okay.

You may proceed. (but remember what I said about being easily offended).

So this is the brand of toilet seat covers that we use at work.

Everytime I look at the name I giggle just a little bit.

Take the words apart a little bit and see if you don't have a little giggle too.

Still don't see what I'm referring to?

Rest ur A.....

(giggle)

Hey - lighten up.

The Inspiration of Elephants

I don't normally share these kinds of stories - as they are a bit too sentimental for me - but someone shared it with me and I just felt that it needed to be told. It is truly inspiring.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Evidently, it wasn't the same elephant.

___________________

Disney's Weight Loss Strategy

This is a booth at the Innoventions building at Disneyland.

It's one of those things that is both horrific - and riveting. (click on the photo to appreciate it's true horror).

I have made this photo into a poster and mounted it on the outside of my refrigerator - which of course means I'm eating a lot less.

Well, I'm eating a lot less - at home.

I guess even Walt can't think of everything...

Encouragement for a Disgruntled Drama Queen

Two things before you read this post:

1. Uh, NO - I'M actually not the Drama Queen this time.

2. If your name is Nancy or Jane, I apologize in advance.

Alright, you may proceed....

So we went out for dinner and Hope has to use the restroom.

We walk in and see two girls standing by the sinks. One of them is all fancied up (hair and make-up, etc) and the other one is rather plain. Fancy girl is crying hysterically and yanking bobby-pin after bobby-pin out of her now drooping, fancy hair.

Hope steps into her little bathroom stall and I lean against the wall, my eyes glued to the scene unfolding in front of me. The girls seem completely oblivious to my presence.

Plain Jane is trying to console Fancy Nancy - but Fancy Nancy is having none of it and continues to yank bobby-pins out of her hair.

Plain Jane tries to rub Fancy Nancy's shoulders and tell her that "the judges were total idiots - they were just, like, blind ya know?"

Fancy Nancy slaps Plain Jane's hands away and screams " OMG, you're not helping!"

(For the record, she actually said the letters O.M.G.)

Plain Jane doesn't seem to mind this somewhat violent rejection and continues in her quest to soothe Fancy Nancy's wounded spirit. She says,

"You are beautiful and you have so much going for you. The judges were just uncapable to see the sheer majesty of your personification and, like, stature. They totally don't know how, like, smart you are or how, like, intelligent you are and, like, staturesque you are."

(Wait.... what?)

Fancy Nancy looks down into Plain Jane's face and says, "They didn't, did they.... OH YEAH. And neither do I because I don't even know what you are SAYING! SHUT UP - YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

(Ooooh, this is getting good - I begin hoping that Hope has to do some serious business in the bathroom so that I can stay a little longer and watch the show. Plain Jane's ability to speak without saying anything is fascinating - as is her resiliance to Fancy Nancy's abuse.)

Plain Jane does not seem to notice Fancy Nancy's contempt for her and prattles on mindlessly. She clears her throat, takes a deep breath, tilts her head back slightly, and with her eyes closed and eyebrows raised, she declares,

"You have the ability to move people. Really (she pauses and inhales deeply through her nose) ... move them, ya know? And those judges? They're just on, like, another plane of reality. The kind of plane that, like.... just doesn't....... move. They don't understand your power of effervescence (said in a whisper-shout while waving her hands in front of her as if she was drawing a circle). It doesn't move their plane so it's their mistake. It's a mistake that will, like, manifest all kinds of, like, trauma and moral fortitude. You just... didn't move their plane."

(Dude.... this girl is awesome.)

Fancy Nancy spins around so she is facing Plain Jane - her blue eyes blazing, and her mouth twisted into a vicious sneer.

(Yessss - they're gonna fight!)

She leans into Plain Jane's face and says, "Really? Is that why I lost? Because I can't move planes? But I'm so pretty! Planes shouldn't have anything to do with it! No one told me about planes! What are you even SAYING? I'm not a (expletive) pilot - I don't know anything about moving planes!"

Fancy Nancy starts shaking all over and continues shrieking incoherently about the injustice of the judges and the fact that she's pretty and shouldn't have to know how to move planes.

(Crap, she's having a seizure, maybe I should call 911...)

In an attempt to jar Fancy Nancy out of her rapidly accelerating downward spiral of emotional pain and misery, Plain Jane suddenly embraces Fancy Nancy and says, "There, there... you're just upset. You don't know what you're saying. You need to take some time to admonish your thoughts. You need to find your place in the circle of life - find your movement. Only then will any of this make sense."

(Is that the secret? I need to admonish my thoughts and find my movement?)

Fancy Nancy shakes Plain Jane off and says, "But I'm so pretty...." and storms out of the bathroom leaving me alone with Plain Jane.

Neither one of us moved.

The silence was deafening.

At this point Plain Jane finally notices that she's had an audience during her little counseling session.

She looks at me with a smirk, rolls her eyes as she walks out the door and says, "Beauty Queens are so stupid."

MAXImum Misunderstanding

So I'm standing at Costco next to my overflowing cart of freshly purchased groceries. Kurt had to run to the restroom, so I'm leaning against the wall next to the ATM waiting for him.

A nice looking guy walks up to the ATM to make a transaction.

I feel him looking in my direction (he's on the left of me, and we're only about 2 feet away from each other so my personal space alerm was beginning to buzz).

I look up and see him looking at me - smiling.

Hmmmm.... he's smiling.

At me?

I look to my right, there is no one there. I look back at him.

He's still smiling at me.

I smile back and then look away.

I can't help it...

I start sportin' a satisfied grin.

Yep.

I've still got it!

Satisfied sigh....

A few seconds pass - I can feel him still staring at me.

Hmmm....

The moment of flattery has passed - now it's a little awwwwwkward.

I look him in the face - our eyes lock - and he's still smiling.

But his smile has gone from a "Hey-you're-sorta-cute-in-a-mid-thirties-frumpy-wife-and-mom-kind-of-way" smile to a "Smirky-you're-an-idiot-if-you-think-I-was-smiling-at-you-cuz-you're-cute" kind of smile.

I'm confused.

He completes his transaction and continues to smirk at me as he walks past me and my overflowing grocery cart.

And then I see it.

You know how they don't put anything in bags at Costco? They just pile it in sideless, topless boxes?

Well, in my cart, on the top of Mount GroshMore, sticking straight up for all of the world to see, basking in all of it's teal green glory....

A jumbo sized box of Maxi pads.

Oh yeah.

I've definitely still got it.

Sigh...

2009 in Review - as told by my Facebook Status Updates...

Okay, here it is people...

This is the closest thing you'll get to an annual Christmas Letter from the Goble Family.

These are the highlights of 2009 - as they appeared in my Facebook Status Updates.

Perhaps reading this will give you a glimpse into the crazy world that is my life.

January

Heidi is troubled. Jack (age 2) just told her he's going Mountain Climbing in Hope's room after he builds a big campfire under her bed. Should I be worried?

Heidi is not crazy.

Heidi just heard her son speak the 8 most dreaded words in the english language: "Mom! I dropped my poop in the tub!" Gotta go clean it up. Crap. (No pun intended).

Heidi rocked her sweet little Jack-Jack to sleep tonight. A rare treat, now that he's 2 years old; one that I will hold onto forever.

February

Heidi is torn. Happy cuz Jack sings in perfect pitch. Sad b'cuz he sang the song "I Wanna be like Other Girls!" (from Mulan 2) at full voice in the middle of Target.

Heidi has a sweet little girl. She's reading stories 2 her baby brother while he sits patiently on the Big Boy Potty waiting for the potty to "hurry up and get here."

The Tooth Fairy was up cleaning the house till 1 AM and forgot to leave Hope money for her tooth. I'm out of the running for Mom of the Year. Again. Sigh...

March

Heidi can't believe she was overlooked for Celebrity Apprentice.

Heidi helped a stray dog find his mama & the dog put his tongue in her mouth. Awesome. Then she walked in the door & was greeted by a big pile of cat barf. Fantastic.

Roses are red violets are blue. I’m really sad cuz Jack “dropped his pooh."Tulips are pink; daisies are navy. Oh Heaven help me–the pooh looks like gravy.

Heidi found the remote. Jack wanted to "give it a bath" Was able to pull it from the jaws of Mr. Bubbles just in the nick of time. Alert downgraded from red to orange

Heidi started filling the tub for Hope's bath. The phone rang. I started chatting. And I kept chatting. And I forgot that the water was still running. I remembered it 20 minutes later. This is the cleanest my bathroom floor has EVER been. Sigh...

April

Heidi was unable to find Jack's missing shoe. We are now in talks with the directors of the movie The Man with One Red Shoe - Jack will be starring in the sequel - The Boy with One Green Shoe. His stage name will be ShoeLess Jack Goble.

Heidi doesn't like anyone or anything before 6:00 am.

Hope and I just spent 10 minutes browsing the Staples catalog and talking about how much we both love office supplies. Sigh... My cup runneth over.

Um, yeah... My 7 year old daughter gave me this weird look. I asked her what she was staring at and she said, "Give me two minutes and I can fix your hair so that it will stop looking wrong."

May

Don't shush me.

Heidi has a renegade chin hair. Stupid aging process.

Hope has discovered Full House. I covet your prayers.

Heidi drinks Pop. Not Soda.

When life hands you lemons.... throw them at people you don't like.

June

Heidi is in love with her husband.

My 3 year old little man Jack has somehow managed to stop both toilets. I have to drive around the corner to Taco Bell to use the restroom. Perfect.

Heidi is sitting in a living room strewn with toys - seriously, toys EVERYwhere... and her kids are playing with an empty laundry basket. There's a lesson here.... I'm sure of it.

July

There's something profoundly beautiful about lunch from Del Taco.

Heidi is experiencing the anonymity that only Starbucks can bring...

Jack has been standing in front of the bathroom mirror combing his hair for 20 minutes. He's 3.... Apparently his hair is kind of a big deal.

My 7 year old daughter just called me by my first name. This development troubles me.

You know you're out of shape when you start running and realize that you need a sports bra for you butt. Sigh...

August

Heidi is now officially a fan of the x-games. I heart Travis Pastrana...

Jack rubbed his nose on my shoulder and left behind a gigantic "treasure." I look at him and begin to voice my irritation. "Jack - you left a booger on my shoulder!" He looks at me and says, "but Mom - it's the booger of justice!" I'm wearing it proudly, people. I'm wearing it proudly.

Heidi changed the sheets on Hope's bed yesterday. When she got in bed last night, she laid down - and then sat straight up and demanded, "WHY do my sheets smell weird?" (Bigh sigh....) Because they're clean, Hope... because they're clean. Apparently I need to do laundry more often.

Heidi was attacked by an insanely freakish and ultra aggressive spider. It was a bitter fight - the spider was maimed, then killed. I emerged from the battle unscathed (except for the fact that I almost peed my pants because I'm terrified of spiders). Victory is mine.

Jack brought home a "pet" beetle. Its name is Niles. Oh, the freakin' humanity....

Heidi loved waking up in a house that was nice and cool, and filled with the aroma of coffee brewing. So peaceful.... until Jack started chasing Hope through the house with his Bob the Builder Power Sander (complete with obnoxious noises) screaming "Hope stand still, I wanna fix you!"

Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? No. Mom, are we there yet? Sigh...

Team Hope&Jack running successful offensive plays against Team Mom. Team Mom about ready to forfeit when Team Hope&Jack go for a Jack-to-smack-Hope-then-scream-for-mom double play. Out of control Team Mom storms the field as Referee Dad calls a Technical Foul on Team Hope&Jack. Team Mom puts Team Hope&Jack to be early. Final Score: Team Mom: 1. Team Hope&Jack:ZERO. Winner takes all baby, winner takes all...

I stood there - overcome with emotion. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating and I was fighting back tears of pure joy. It was an incredible moment. And there it was. Standing before me like a beacon of light - full of hope and promise for the future. I knew in my heart that the search was over. I had found the answer... I was in..... The School Supplies Section of Target.

I hit the back of my head and it's a little tender. Hope saw me rubbing my head and wincing. She asked me if the eyes on the back of my head were bothering me. I told her they both had pink eye and they hurt so that's why I was rubbing my head. Is that bad?

I’ve always been able to stand my ground. Until now. I have become weak. I have become a conformist. I have become.... A Twilight reader.

September

Heidi just danced in the rain.

I didn't know that pedicures involved power tools. the sweet liitle lady asked if I wanted "kalla remoova" to which I said yes. And then this sweet little lady looked my feet, shuddered and reached for her portable power sander. The sweet little lady is now red faced, scowling, sweating and speaking Cantonese to her friends in a somewhat aggressive tone. They are laughing. She is not. Im not either. Sigh...

Okay - let me start with: Don't judge me. This morning I stubbed my toe big time. It hurt so bad. As I was yelping like a wounded puppy, hopping around on my good foot, holding my shattered toe in one hand and covering my mouth with the other hand, Jack (who was watching the whole thing with big ol' eyes) asks, "Momma aren't you gonna say a bad word now?" Remember: Don't judge me.

Public apology to the woman whose car I tried to steal today. Our cars looked the same; but yours was a lot cleaner, hence the appeal of your car over mine. It's not like I was going to take it w/o saying anything. I’d have left a note with directions to my car so that you'd have a new car too. I thought that running at me while screaming "stop trying to steal my car" was a bit harsh but hey. No hard feelings, right?

We're at Target - Jack's in the back of the cart. He saw a woman blocking the aisle and yelled "Move it or lose it, Bozo!" Horrified, I scolded him & asked him where he learned to talk like that (BIG mistake on my part). Imagine my chagrin when he replied, "You said it in the car on the way here." The bozo-lady cut me me a dirty look and walked away muttering about "parents these days." Sigh...

October

Heidi got to spend some much needed time with her family today. ADDED BONUSES:Scary Carnies, Cheese Fries and hearing her son pray for the "mean little girl" who pushed him down at the carnival; his words were, "Momma, I don't know how to pray for her. I just want her to be nice. But I'm not sure Jesus can do that cuz she was really mean. What if she pushes Jesus down too?"

B4 we leave for the restaurant I ask "Hope, do you need to go to the bathroom?" No. We get to the restaurant, waiting for a table "Hope do you have to go the bathroom?" No. Right after we order, "Hope do you have to go to the bathroom?" No. Food arrives. It's nice and hot. The fork full of yummy, cheesey, potato-ey goodnees barely touches my starving lips.... "Mom. I have to go the bathroom." Sigh...

I'm in the middle of scolding Jack. "Jack, that was not very nice - you don't throw a fit to get what you want! You have to liste..." he interrupts my tyrade with "Momma, you're so pretty. I love you." That was the end of the conversation. And I took him out for ice cream. Is that bad?

We all have our own brand of crazy.

November

I'm reading Jack a bedtime story. We're all curled up in his rocking chair. It was so sweet... While I'm reading, he keeps sniffing the air. At the end of the story I lean into his face, kiss him on the nose and tell him that I love him. He sniffs the air, looks deep into my eyes and says, "Momma, when you talk, I smell feet." Goodnight Jack.

The rule is simple: When I'M singing and playing air-drums while driving my car, I look cool and unbelievably talented. When anyone ELSE sings and plays air-drums while driving their car, they look stupid.

Heidi woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and could do nothing more than thank the Lord for the miracle that is make-up.

Heidi caught Jack picking his nose and stuffing the boogers in his ear. My feelings are mixed. On one hand, I'm grossed out. On the other hand I'm hopeful that the reason he never does what I tell him is because he can't hear through the wall of snot in his ears.

December

Jack told me that he's going to marry me. And Evie. And Lexi. And Tamila. Apparently, he's big on having options.

People waiting for the fireworks at Disneyland have no regard for my personal space protocols. I had to initiate personal space plan delta-delta-tango: I asked Kurt if he'd gotten any ointment for his rash (really loud) and stood back and watched the people step away from us. Hopefully I won't have to execute beta-beta-Charlie. We may end up on the news....

I'm not obsessive. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

The magic is gone... Hope is running around in circles making strange gurgling, gutteral noises, Jack is screaming that he wants more sugar cookies, Kurt is standing in the middle of the kitchen with a blank stare on his face, the cat is hissing at the tree and I'm hitting the egg nog early. Yep. It must be Christmas Eve.

Today was a day spent with my FCC family - singing, laughing and celebrating Christmas. It was an incredibly uplifting time. I am blessed - I am thankful. Merry Christmas everyone!

~Can't wait to see what 2010 brings!~

The Dark Underbelly of Black Friday

I find this photo disturbing.

If you don't see what I'm referring to, look inside the cart - under the gigantic, heavy boxes. (click on the photo to enlarge it).

Only at WalMart...

Vacation Revelation, Part III

Laugh and the world laughs with you.

Fart and you stand alone.
___________________________________

We’re on the shuttle in Zion National Park.

There’s a little old married couple sitting two rows in front of us.

They’re so sweet together – he’s talking and she’s laughing softly.

I see the man rocking back and forth in his seat, trying to get comfortable.

Suddenly the look on the woman’s face changes. She looks irritated.

No more smiles, soft laughter or chatting.

Without warning, she gets up and moves to another seat at the front of the shuttle and glaring at him the entire time.

The man shakes his head and continues rocking.

And then I hear it.

A sort of muted trumpet sound.

What? What is that? Is that an animal? What is that?

I look around and don’t see anything.

No one else on the shuttle seems to notice anything.

The little old man is looking around the shuttle as he rocks from side to
side; undoubtedly searching for the source of the weird trumpety sound.

Our eyes lock.

He stops moving, mid-rock.

I hear the trumpety sound again.

The man gives me a big grin.

Wait…

The trumpety sound seems to be in time with the old man’s rocking.

I begin processing.

Sweet little old lady becomes irritated and leaves husband’s side to sit in the front of the shuttle.

Sweet little old man rocking back and forth – seemingly in sync with the weird trumpety sound.

Old man’s big goofy grin is followed by more rocking and trumpeting.

And then the wind changes….

The little old man’s grin widens as my eyes begin to water.

Dear.Lord.In.Heaven.

WHAT is that smell…

Fortunately we arrive at our stop just as the gray fog is enveloping the rest of my family. We dive off the shuttle and breathe in the fresh air.

I hear the little old man laughing as the shuttle drives away.

He’s still sitting alone.

Rocking.

And trumpeting.

I Think it's Perfectly Normal; Part XXVI

My second toe is shorter than my big toe.

Nordrstrom's Reject

So I'm at Costco. I see that they have swimming suits.

SIDE NOTE: I don't know that I can adequately convey my loathing of swim-suit shopping.

Seriously.

So if I need a suit and I see one - I just grab one in my size. I don't try it on (life is hard enough).

They had black swimming suits at Costco.

I walk up to the rack and reach for the suits to start browsing for my size.

About 20 feet away is the saleslady - lamenting to her co-worker about the fact that she didn't get hired as a salesperson at Nordstrom.

She sees me looking through the suits and says (from 20 feet away so it's REALLY loud) "Oh I'm sorry honey - we don't have anymore larges!"

Nice.

But wait. There's more.

I look up at her, my face quickly beginning to change color.

She continues with this.... (note that she was still 20 feet away and is still talking at full voice)

"You really look like you should get an extra large anyway. I think we have some in the back - let me page somebody for an extra large suit for you."

OH.DEAR.LORD....

I simply look at her and eek out the words "No need."

She resumed her conversation about her complete surprise at the fact that she couldn't get a a job at Nordstroms....

Yeah.

If only there had been some clue...

Like Father, Like Son (rated PG-13)

We were at Ruby's for lunch.

I lean over to Jack (who just turned 3) and ask, "Jack, don't you just love Ruby's?"

"Oh yeah Momma!" he said at the top of his lungs "...I LOVE boobies!"

Sigh...

She put the OH! in Oversharing...

Hope and I were in line at Target. We were grabbing her some art supplies – she was VERY excited.

The line was crazy long – and full of profoundly irritating people.

The lady in front of me was my least favorite. Yeah, she was a real peach. She had at least 3 items from every single aisle in the store, about 137 coupons, she was haggling with the checker about the fact that her Glade Plug in Air Freshener was on sale – and just when I thought I couldn't be any more irritated with her – she pulled out her checkbook.

Fan-freakin’-tastic.

I turned away so she wouldn't see me roll my eyes and there stood the cutest little old lady I’d ever seen in my life.

She dragged one foot a little bit and her head seemed to be permanently cocked to one side.

She looked up at me with eyes that squinted tightly and a tired smile.

“Hi Honey” she said in a tiny, shaky voice.

I instantly felt sorry for her – she looked as though she was about to collapse – she leaned heavily on her cart and let out a big sigh as she took in the overwhelming length of the line.

I noticed that she only had 1 item in her cart. She kept staring at me with that sweet little face.

I looked at her, at the line and then back at her again.

I had to do it….

I let her go ahead of me in line.

Suddenly that sweet old lady who could barely stand up was miraculously transformed into this spry little thing who deftly maneuvered her cart out of line and then back in front of mine with all the speed and prowess of a seasoned, professional HUSTLER.

Yes, that's right.

I had totally been taken.

But wait – there’s more.

Remember the peach in front of me in line? Well at this point she was still arguing with the checker about Glade Plug Ins (and still had a ton of stuff in her cart). Perfect! That meant that Lady Grifter and I would have some time to get to know each other.

She noticed me holding my ATM card and started in on the evils of technology and how big brother is always watching. Then she started talking about how our country is going to hell in a hand basket yadda, yadda, yadda. “And it’s all that Obama’s fault don’t-cha-know…” she said with great conviction.

“Oh, mmm-hmmmm….” I replied trying to sound as uninterested as possible.

To no avail…. She just kept talking.

Back to the technology topic.

“Yeeeeees, technology is just an evil force in this world – well, except for that brilliant little pace maker my doctor gave me about 2 years ago.”

Oh crap – we are now in an area that I don’t like to broach with old (over 80) folks: their medical procedures.

“Laaaaaaand sakes, my doctor told me that I would live to be a 100 with this pacemaker! Of course I told him I don’t want to live to be a 100 what with that horrible Obama running things…”

Sweet! She jumped back to politics – I thought maybe I was safe.

“But he told me that it wouldn’t hurt a bit and he was RIGHT!”

Wait – Obama told her it wouldn't hurt? Well, he is on that whole socialized medicine thing - I could only pray that that's what she was referring... Sadly Obama's plan was NOT what she was referring to.... Dang it! We were back to the Medical Procedures.

“Oh my stars – it was the easiest thing ever! And such a tiny little incision!”

Okay – at this point, I should have just fled. I should have left my cart in the aisle and run away without ever looking back. But I had Hope’s art supplies in the cart and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that buying her art supplies wasn't worth enduring Lady Grifter's stories about her old, wrinkly body.

I stood my ground.

“Yeeeeees, the incision was just the tiniest little thing you’ve ever seen – just look at it!”

And without missing a beat, she whipped out her left breast and shoved it toward me.

I stood there, frozen, helpless, horrified, without words.

She stood there, proud as could be, saggy breast tissue hanging over both sides of her hand.

Hope stood there, mouth wide open, her eyes the size of dinner plates.

It even got the attention of the peach in front of us who was just now signing her check.

“Just looooooook at it!” crowed the old dingbat.

“Isn’t it amazing?”

“Yes – I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it.” I responded weakly.

Hope finally found her voice and said “Mommy is that a nipple?!”

"Once upon time, it was honey… Once upon a time it was."

Peach finally finished her transaction, Lady Grifter shoved lefty back into her blouse, I pulled out my spare smelling salts from my purse - and we all advanced one space in the line.

I learned something that day... well, let's face it - I learned a LOT that day.

But the biggest lesson I learned was that little old ladies are not to be trusted.