Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

A few of you have asked about the results of my Emergency Shut Up System test. I haven’t written about it because I needed to take some time to process all of it.

I made it through the day – well, until the end of the day – without complaining (out loud, anyway). At about 9:30 that night, Kurt and I were sitting on the couch and out of nowhere I said, “Ugh, I’m so bored!”

I almost had a spotless record.

One of the things I noticed was that I was always ready with a negative comment; a biting remark of some sort. Not necessarily a complaint – but not anything pleasant either.

So, I spent a lot of that day not talking.

That was something of an eye opener. It was like someone held up a mirror and I saw what I really look like as opposed to what I think I look like.

It was upsetting, unsettling and left me feeling pretty small.

The whole experience reminded me of a little “song setup” I wrote back in 2004 when I would sometimes lead worship at church. I always had to write out what I was going to say – it helped calm my nerves. Here’s what I shared with our church:

I Give You Me Setup (2004)
We moved to a new house about 3 weeks ago. As I was unpacking I came across one of my old journals from August of 1996. That had been a particularly exciting time in my life. I had just graduated from college, started a new job, moved to a new apartment. My husband and I were celebrating our 2nd anniversary - lots of good times.

So I was certain that it would be full of fun little details that I had forgotten all about.

But that’s not what I found. Instead it was full of negativity, insecurities and endless complaining. There was no mention of how blessed I was – or the gifts that God had given me. In fact, there was no mention of God at all. I was shocked at the lack of gratitude. Such immaturity!

But I quickly found comfort by reminding myself that I had grown up a lot since then. I’m not that person anymore.

And to prove it – I decided to read a current journal entry. After all – now is an equally exciting time. I have a new home, a beautiful little girl – my husband and I getting ready to celebrate our 10th anniversary… So I knew that this time I would see a lot of gratitude – a lot of praising God.

But I didn’t… It was full of the same negativity, misery and self-centeredness. And I realized how little I’ve changed in 8 years. I’ve wasted so much of my life being ungrateful. God has continued to bless me – richly – all throughout my life, but I’ve never really experienced the full benefit of those blessings because I've been too busy focusing on all the things that I think aren't perfect. It's time to change that. I need to shift my focus from me to Him. I need to stop and say thank you.

Back to current day....

I wrote that setup 4 years ago. And in 4 years, I haven’t changed… I continue to try – and continue to fail. Every time I look in that mirror, I don't see what I want to see.

Changing behavior is tough because you don’t just make the change once. You have to keep making the decision to change over and over and over again. It’s exhausting and overwhelming.

But I keep trying.

I’m thankful for grace and the second chance that comes with it.